Fentimans Rose Lemonade

Ever been caught serving your guests lemonade WITHOUT roses?  Well never be embarrassed again with Fentimans Traditional Rose Lemonade.  Frentimans Traditional Rose Lemonade comes in the classically stylish standard Fentimans bottle, multiple dog heads included!  Each and every bottle of Fentimans is jam-packed, not with jam silly, but with the following ingredients:  Carbonated water, lemon juice concentrate, cane sugar, glucose syrup, fermented ginger root extracts, pear juice concentrate, lemon flavoring, citric acid, tantaric acid, natural color, and rose oil!  Wait there’s more!  If you like sediment then Fentimans Rose Lemonade is for you!  There’s so much sediment in there I’m getting SEDI-MENTAL!  Seriously folks you need to be aware of this product.  Let’s take a call and see what they think of Fentimans Rose Lemonade.  Caller, go ahead!

Justin Casey Falls - “After I done opened it I stuck my schnozz down in that bottle hole and smelled up something mighty powerful.  I reckon if I had to describe it like one of them high paid reviewers I’d say that it was like a lemon that been mixed with them thar chemicals you use to clean yer house.”

Thank you caller.  Well folks it’s the moment you’ve all been waiting for… the taste test.  We’ve selected seven children to tell us what they think of Fentimans Rose Lemonade.  Take it away kids!

Morton – My tongue feels all sour after drinking it.

Larry – The little bubbles tickled my mouth… I wish it tickled my mouth more.  Why are you laughing?

Roy – I thought this drink would be all chewy but I haven’t chewed a bit.

Lemmy – The more I drink it the better it gets!

Wendy – Are you sure this isn’t a drink for adults?

Ludwig – I like no-rose lemonade better.

Iggy - While the initial sour blast takes over your mouth it quickly allows the other flavors to make their presence known.  Each sip allows your palate to become more accustomed to the tartness this lemonade brings, and while it is most certainly different from normal lemonade I really wouldn’t mind trying this again.  It’s quite unique.

There you have it folks the kids have spoken!  If I’d just heard testimonials like that I think I’d pick up the phone and…

~A

Faux Fact - Twist used to the operator of a 1-900 number

Mello Yello

As many of you know I’m from Texas, and I’m just mad about Saffron.  This is an important fact to consider for the review today.  You see, I’m reviewing Mello Yello.  Mello Yello is a very mainstream brand and many of you may be wondering why I’m just now picking up a can to review.  So why have I, Aaron the Texan, decided that Mello Yello was important enough to review?  For whatever reason, Mello Yello has been nearly impossible to find in Texas for several years now.  It’s almost like Coke just kind of gave up on ever taking the market back from Mountain Dew.  I’m sure bringing it “back” to Texas was just a move that was fueled by money, but part of me thinks that SunDrop’s rise to national distribution might have had to do something with it as well.  For those of you not in the “kno”, Mello Yello is Coke’s version of Mountain Dew.  That’s the easiest way to explain what they were trying to go for when Coke created it.  It’s made with chemicals, orange juice concentrate, and now sits in a snazzy looking retro can in front of me.  I do love the can art by the way.  If there is one thing that Mello Yello has already beaten Mountain Dew and SunDrop on… it’s the can art.  So very simple, so very classic in styling, so very yello.  I mean, yellow.  I think it’s time to get this review started… quite rightly.

At first whiff Mello Yello puts off a scent more akin to Sprite than that of Mountain Dew.  However when I give it the old college try and breathe in a bit more the familiar scent of mixed citrus is what prevails.  Let’s see how well they compare in flavor.

Oh this will be easy!  Mello Yello is watered down Mountain Dew.  See ya next week folks!

~A

Ok, so maybe I should expound on this statement a little first.  If SunDrop or Mountain Dew didn’t exist then Mello Yello would be fantastic.  The fact that they do though makes you immediately compare each to another allowing us to not settle for a lesser soda which in this case is Mello Yello.  With each sip of Mello Yello you experience a rather flavorless journey until you near the end of it.  It’s almost as if they tried too hard to be refreshing and in doing so lost anything unique and fun about their beverage.  Only at the end of each gulp/sip/drink do you get the hit of citrus you probably expected since the beginning.  In the “Points For” category, I can identify several of the citrus flavors they used in making this, but the flavor overall is still a disappointment.  The carbonation works well with the flavor it’s given, but I honestly don’t care at this point. 

If any of you think I’m being too harsh on Mello Yello then know it’s with great sorrow that I do so.  One of my favorite advertising campaigns was that of Mello Yello.  Jim Varney, better known as Ernest P. Worrell, is still to this day only one of three celebrity deaths I’ve actually been saddened by in my time on Earth.  Sure the Ernest movies became overly stupid as they continued on, but the man made me laugh as a child and now as an adult.  During that time that he was making people laugh he was a spokesman for the “Make the Mello Yello Move” campaign.  To this day I can watch these commercials and enjoy them to the same degree I did as a child, if not more so.  I want to like this drink.  Ernest liked this drink, or was at least paid to.  I’m going to watch a couple of these ads, three of them actually, and see if it doesn’t improve upon my opinion of Mello Yello.  Be right back! 

Sigh….not even the great Jim Varney could sway my vote, and now  I’m more depressed than ever.  Back to the review.

Like I noted earlier the can art is awesome.  The can art hands down beats the competitors.  Let’s me focus on the can art for a moment and hopefully that will get me out of this funk.  The design on this Mello Yello can seems to harken back to simpler times.  Simpler Times, when a Peanut Farmer was President, when a stamp cost you 15 cents, and when a gallon of gas was under a dollar.  Guess what?  I wasn’t alive back then so the retro can is unable to work its magics on me.  Mello Yello is watered down Mountain Dew.  KnowwhatImean?

~A

I'll probably be snuffed out for telling you this, but it's too important not to.  Twist. Is. Vern.

MTN Dew Voltage

At the time I bought this bottle of Mtn Dew Voltage I was running out of drinks… I still am but that’s beside the point.  I’ve never really been into the whole crazy Mtn Dew flavors thing, but I respect what they’re doing.  What caught my attention to this bottle of Mtn Dew Voltage (which this point on will be called simply “Voltage”) was the fact that it contains Ginseng.  Voltage immediately starts to slide down the grading scale with the words “Charged with Raspberry Citrus Flavor…” on the side.  First off this drink is blue and a primary flavor is Raspberry.  I dislike the idea of blue raspberry anything.  Secondly what is a “Raspberry Citrus” flavor?  To find that out I guess I actually have to consume it.  Alright then.  Here we go!

Voltage smells as if you crushed up a bunch of blue raspberry SweeTarts and mixed it with the appropriate ratio of water.  Needless to say I’m not impressed.  I will say that the lightning bolt on the side of the bottle keeps catching my eye though.  So much power.  So much responsibility.  Let’s see if this will live up to its responsibility like Spiderman or fail miserably like Spiderman 3.

Rushed Venom, Emo-Peter Parker, and Kirsten Dunst as Mary Jane… that’s what ran through my head as I finished taking that sip.  So much disappointment.  Voltage hit’s your mouth with a small shock of carbonation leading up to a taste that can only be described as chemical.  I’m sure there are other descriptive terms I could have used but I had to say there wasn’t for dramatic effect.  The blue raspberry fights with the ginseng on who will be the most prominent flavor while Citrus sits in the corner shouting.  Ultimately my mouth declares them all losers and tries to drink its problems away only finding that the nearest drink is more Voltage.  Such a vicious cycle.  This is the first Mtn Dew beverage that tastes like a mediocre to bad energy drink.  I like original Mtn Dew (although Sun Drop is better), I like Code Red, and I like Pitch Black, but this is not worth finishing.  The only reason I’m not going to rate this Do Not Buy is because I could actually finish it if I wanted to.  WHY DID I JUST TAKE ANOTHER SIP?!  WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

~A

Oddly enough if Twist puts his tongue to it, the bottle will be shocked.

Fresh Choices Grape Soda

Gas station soda.  That’s pretty much what you can call Fresh Choices Grape Soda since the Fresh Choices brand is made for Valero Gas Stations.  As you may already know I love cheap grape sodas.  I feel that the cheaper the soda the better chance that it will be absolutely delicious, therefore I couldn’t pass this bottle up.  Its chock full of chemicals and has a logo that would make any design firm in the early 90’s swoon with excitement.  Let’s take it out for a spin.

Oh man, that is some cheap smelling grape soda.  It has such an artificial aroma that I can hardly wait to try it.  It has a very similar smell to Dimetapp which could either excite you even more about trying it, or keep you far, far away.  For me it’s the former.  Time to take my medicine.

Aaaaand disappointment.  One of the reasons I usually like cheap grape soda is the fact that it has such a strong bite.  For all practical purposes I just chugged a good amount of Fresh Choices Grape Soda and not even the hint of a burn crept into my mouth.  This tastes exactly like you would expect it… a generic grape soda.  It has approximately the same amount of sweetness that any sort of grape flavored candy might have, so it’s fairly sweet.  The grape flavoring is very, very artificial in flavor, but why wouldn’t it be when it says “artificial flavor” right on the side of the bottle.  I do kind of wish that grapes tasted like this, or at least a particular strand of grapes.  The mouth feel is somewhat syrupy, and building on itself,  since they went the chemical route in their production.   Overall it’s a very average beverage and shall be rated accordingly.  On another note, Average Beverage seems like a good name for a band.

~A

Nothing says delicious grape soda like... Grape Soda.

Topo Sabores Apple

Who doesn’t love apple soda… well besides Johnny Appleseed of course?  I always figured being around all those apples would eventually make him sick of them.  Sure he helped shape America with all he did involving apples, but I bet he only ate them to keep up his image.  Fortunately Johnny “Appleseed” Chapman isn’t here to review this Topo Sabores Apple soda.  Also fortunately… is not a proper way to start a sentence but… also fortunately I am here to review this bottle of Topo Sabores Apple Soda.  As you might be able to tell by the name, Topo Sabores hails from Mexico and uses delicious cane sugar as a sweetener as well as HFCS just to confuse us.  We’ve done a few of their drinks before so I’ll just add a link here… and maybe here.  Let’s all read about me smelling this soda now. Pop Pop!

The scent coming out of the neck of this bottle is definitely that of an apple, but I will say that it’s also a bit more subtle than I expected.  At first it smells like apple juice only to have the scent change to sweet soda at the last second, almost fooling you into thinking it was healthy.  Drink time.

Very nice.  Very nice indeed.  This apple soda even tastes a bit like apple juice even though the bottle lists no such ingredient.  With each sip I’m greeted with a touch of spice, much like you would experience in eggnog.  Before my mind gets a chance to think too hard on eggnog soda the spice quickly dissipates into a mildly carbonated apple juice flavored soda.  The aftertaste reminds me of a red apple/green apple hybrid.  It is sweet and tart at the same time and lasts considerably longer than any of the other tastes you’ll experience.  As much as I like Topo Sabores Apple Soda it doesn’t actually “wow” me.  This is an above average soda, and I will suggest you buy multiples, but it’s lacking a special something that would set it apart from being slightly above average.

~A

One day Twist will be on a bottle of soda.

Thomas Kemper Black Cherry

Not too long ago my mother and step-father gave me a bottle of Thomas Kemper Black Cherry Soda.  Apparently they bought it from a nifty little shop in Rockwall, TX (near Dallas) called The Candy Jar Malt Shop which I have now conveniently linked.  We all know Thomas Kemper makes great stuff... well if you read the site for any amount of time you know that.  If you didn’t know that then you should probably read more of the site and tell all of your friends to do the same.  Your friends will then tell all of their friends and eventually we’ll become the only multi-billion dollar soda review site in the world.  To make a non-existent story short I’m happy I’m about to review a Thomas Kemper product!  I’m thirsty so I think I’m just going to go to the review portion now.

Thomas Kemper Black Cherry does indeed smell like black cherry soda… flavored cough syrup.  While cough syrups sometimes have a wonderful taste I’m still a bit worried about the story my ol’ nose just told.  Drinky drink time!

Cough syrup this is not.  Thomas Kemper Black Cherry soda has a robust flavor all the way through your drinking experience.  The initial taste is crisp and hits your tongue screaming “BLACK CHERRY!” at the top of its imaginary lungs.  After the initial crisp hit of black cherry the flavor doesn’t even back down for a second.  For the entirety of its duration in your mouth you are made very aware of the fact that you are consuming a black cherry soda.  The flavor could be more powerful, but it would honestly be too much for most people to enjoy if it was.  So far the only downside I’ve noticed is that the aftertaste is a little syrupy but I’m sure that has to do with their use of honey.  The carbonation is fairly high but once again works very well with the whole experience.  I’ve now finished my bottle before finishing my review… that’s both a good sign and something that rarely ever happens.  Overall, Thomas Kemper Black Cherry is a very fizzy black cherry soda with the slightest taste of honey.  You should be able to open a bottle of black cherry soda and pretty much predict what you’re about to taste.  Thomas Kemper Black Cherry doesn’t disappoint in the slightest putting IBC Black Cherry now at 2nd place on my black cherry soda list.

~A

Twist can make black cherries appear at will.

Maine Root Lemon Lime

Ok, I may discredit myself as a soda review by saying this but… lemon lime soda is boring.  Wait, wait, wait!  Don’t leave just yet; let me explain.  A good lime soda isn’t boring, in fact it’s one of my most coveted sodas.  A good lemon soda… well I haven’t really had one to write home about yet, but it’d be unique.  Lemon Lime soda though… well in my opinion has the biggest chance to be a very boring soda.  It’s so overdone and the flavor is never anything spectacular.  Sure I love 7up, but I’m not going to shove a bottle into your hand unless I find out you’re sick.  Sure I tolerate Sierra Mist, but I’m not going to force you to drink it unless you want the clear carbonated liquid from Taco Bell.  Sure I don’t really like Sprite.  Wait for it… nothing.  So today I’m giving Maine Root (a highly ranked soda company by our standards) a chance with their Maine Root Lemon Lime Soda.  Already looking through the bottle I can tell you that this has a ridiculous amount of sediment.  I’m looking at pieces so large I could literally chew them.  Already Maine Root Lemon Lime Soda has taken a turn for the unique, a place few lemon lime sodas ever go.  Let’s smell it shall we?

My nostrils greet a familiar smell.  This smells like lemon lime Twang.  Now I’m sure I’ve mentioned Twang in a past review but I’m feeling far too lazy to search for it at this moment.  If the word “integer” is a link in this sentence then you’ll know I became un-lazy and found it.  As I was saying the scent coming from this bottle is a very sharp and sour lemon lime aroma.  Honestly I’m excited!  Hopefully here goes something!

Wow this does taste a little like Twang, but without the instant throat fire.  It’s like a super lemon lime soda that allows you to taste the individual lemon and lime flavors.  The carbonation factor works well with the taste and burns you just a little bit more after you’re done with your sip.  I really thought I’d be able to feel the sediment drifting down my gullet on each sip much like I would experience in a Boba tea… or the ill-fated Orbitz.  Since I wrote that last sentence you should easily deduce that I can’t feel the sediment at all.  Hooray for no icky sediment feeling!  All in all this is a great lemon lime soda, and while I wouldn’t say it completely makes my “lemon lime is boring” argument null and void it does a lot for its own cause.

~A

Lemon Lime Iguana Goodness!

Big K Pineapple Passionfruit Soda

I just cleaned up dog vomit so by comparison this soda may get a more amazing rating than it deserves, but who knows it may knock my socks off!  The soda I’ve now mentioned in the same breath as dog vomit is Big K’s Pineapple Passionfruit Soda, another gift from the Santa-esque D. Dub.  Santa gives you things you ask for, whereas D. Dub gives you stuff he thinks you won’t like.  He’s the anti-claus really.  Anywho, this is a chemical filled beverage with a light peach color and a label like you would only expect on a 2 liter bottle of Big K.  To this day I have no idea what a passionfruit is, but I can guess that it’s pretty tasty.  How could it not be tasty when it’s called PASSIONfruit.  The software I’m typing this on really doesn’t like the fact that I keep writing it “Passionfruit” instead of “Passion Fruit”, but I’m only doing so because that’s how it’s written on the jug.  Enough chit chat… let’s do this thang!

Upon huffing said beverage I notice little to no pineapple scent escaping the opening of my Missile Command pint glass.  I’m guessing the scent I’m experiencing is that of the ever quirky Passionfruit, but that’s just a hopeful guess.  Honestly it smells a little “peachy” to me, but that might have everything to do with the color of the beverage.  On to the tasting!

Very nice for a chemical filled soda.  The carbonation visits you throughout the sip, never being the most powerful ingredient until the end.  Again, I’m not tasting a lot of pineapple here but it’s not completely absent.  It’s almost as if right as Pineapple got his pinkie toe in the bottle Peach walked up to him and made fun of his complexion.  Pineapple, now distraught, decided to give up on ever being a part of Big K Pineapple Passionfruit Soda and fell into a deep depression.  Fortunately for him the fine makers of the Dole Whip asked him to be their featured performer and he has been succeeding like gang-busters ever since.  It’s pretty much the exact same thing that happened to Jennifer Hudson.  Meanwhile back in the soda… there is also a bit of a plum flavor present as well.  I notice the plum becoming more involved during the final act of this performance, also known as the aftertaste.  Ok so maybe I don’t know what a passionfruit tastes like but I do know that this tastes like Peach Punch.  Not quite peach, not quite punch, add some carbonation and other flavors and there you have it… Peach Punch!  Quickly!  To the patent board! 

~A

Faux Fact:  The "glass pineapple" seen in this picture is the actual type of pineapple used in this soda.

Big K Watermelon Kiwi

I hate watermelon and I hate kiwi.  So why am I drinking this anti-freeze colored liquid with the name of Big K Watermelon Kiwi?  One Mr. Dan Dub has kindly brought this delightful combination of flavors to my attention… in two full liters mind you!  Seeing as I will drink any soda anyone brings me here goes.  Here I go down this misguided path.  It’s like walking down a well-lit alley, looking at the mugger at the end as you flip your wallet from hand to hand.  Maybe drinking this out of an Atari pint glass will help with my soon to be sadness.  Awwww… my Centipede glass is dirty so I have to go with Tempest.  Ah well… time for a whiff.

Yup.  That’s definitely the smell of chemicals made to smell like watermelon/kiwi.  I really don’t want to smell this again just to write another sentence about it so we’re going to move on.

Ok… so I’m not dead or vomiting.  This seems to be a perk of the fact that this doesn’t actually have any watermelon or kiwi in it.  Chemicals for the win!  In fact the watermelon flavoring is quite subtle and I honestly couldn’t tell you what a kiwi tasted like anymore.  I just remember having a horrible experience with one as a child never to eat one again.  Big K Watermelon Kiwi starts off smooth with that subtle taste I spoke of earlier.  Once you actually go into the act of ingesting it though a shock of carbonation hits the back of your throat and the flavor intensifies a bit more before dissolving into a ghost of its former self.  While I will end up finishing the two liter (not out of love but out of not wasting a two liter) the best thing about Big K Watermelon Kiwi is its color.  It’s a muted florescent green that would stand out in any soda lineup.  Honestly I don’t hate this soda nor would I put it on any top 10 lists.  I would however suggest that someone use it in a punch of some kind.  Something tells me that this would work 100% better as a supporting player instead of the lead.  Well my Tempest glass is now empty and I don’t feel like going back downstairs to fill it back up thus lengthening this review. 

~A

Faux FAct:  Twist's blood is actual anti-freeze

MTN Dew Pitch Black

   So apparently being a soda reviewer I’m supposed to review this limited edition Mountain Dew Pitch Black.  As I understand this beverage has quite the following and it seems that it’s high time that I jump on the bandwagon.  Back in 2005 I tried to jump on the pseudo-bandwagon when Pitch Black 2 came out.  I feigned all of the excitement one might have seen since I never got the chance to try the original.  Pitch Black 2 was alright but nothing cult worthy to me so I figured that the original must have been heads and tails above its sequel.  If only I had some sort of way I could travel back to 2004 and give the original a try.  Well looky here!  Thanks to Mountain Dew… or should I say Mtn Dew (I will never say “Mtn Dew” again in this review because it’s asinine) I can now experience what I originally missed all without the help of a Delorian… which of course is points against.  The label is a very extreme purple matching the color of the beverage itself.  I really wish I had a black light to see if this bottle could truly be fantastical.  Ah well, time for a whiff.

   Ok… so that’s not quite what I was expecting.  The scent I was greeted with was that of citrus and grape… heavy on the grape fortunately.  Based on scent alone this is Mountain Dew with grape flavoring, oddly enough the label clearly states that this is Pitch Black with a BLAST of BLACK GRAPE.  I figured this was Mountain Dew with a blast of black grape but what do I know.  I’m kind of curious what Pitch Black would taste like without its blast of black grape but we’re not here for that today.   What we’re here for is transporting me back to 2004 so that I may experience the apparent amazement that is Mountain Dew Pitch Black… and so we shall.

   Interesting.  This isn’t nearly as EXTREME as I thought it would be but I find that’s working out for the experience thus far.  Instantly I can rank this as a Top 2 Dew for me.  I’m not sure what would come first but this and Code Red are now neck and neck.  Upon the first sip your tongue is immediately met with the knives of a thousand citrus flavored carbonation bubbles.  After the bubbles lay down their arms the grape, apparently black grape, flavor shows itself.  It doesn’t show in an extreme way like your uncle (it’s always a creepy uncle isn’t it?) at the last family gathering though.  Instead, Mountain Dew Pitch Black raises its hand, gets called upon, and casually states that “Yes I’m a Mountain Dew with grape flavoring”.  I realize that Mountain Dew tries to cater to an extreme/gamer/youthful audience but their flavors don’t bring that out in me.  Maybe…maybe I’m old now and just “don’t get it” anymore.  Ah well, if I “don’t get” Mountain Dew’s marketing I’m probably over thinking it.  Why did I go off on that mini-tangent?  Must be time for my old people pills.  Back to the beverage at hand. 

   I’m finding myself really enjoying Pitch Black and wish that I’d been on this train when my love of Mountain Dew was at its peak.  Like I said earlier it’s up there with Code Red in my opinion and I used to be a fiend for Code Red.  One of the strengths of the Mountain Dew brand is that they aren’t afraid to try and create Frankensteinesque sodas that combine the already popular Dew flavor with that of grape, orange, white stuff, etc.  This of course results in the occasional monstrosity but gives people even more reason to buy Dew products.  Pitch Black is good.  I’m good with this.  Of course it’s full of chemicals and that will hurt the score a bit but I can tell you that I’ll be looking for Mountain Dew Pitch Black again next year.  Now… who do I talk to about Surge, Crystal Pepsi, and the original Sprite Re-mix?

~A

Twist, of course, is the only one extreme enough to be that close to the label.

Topo-Sabores Peach

Once upon a time there was a boy who wanted a soda.  Not just any soda mind you but a Topo-Sabores Peach soda to be precise.  You see a lion once told the boy that Topo-Sabores Peach soda was delicious but this lion wasn’t always to be trusted since he always seemed to regard Topo-Sabores products at the highest level.  One day a magical wizard named Abel gave the boy a bottle of the peach concoction under one condition… that he review it and put it up in the town square for all to see.  Of course the boy obliged and ran home with his bottle of Topo-Sabores Peach.  When he finally arrived at his home he gazed in wonder at the cool bottle in his hands.  Glancing over the contents of the bottle he noticed that this contained both cane sugar and some form of black magic called high fructose corn syrup.  Confused he decided he better not think about it too much or he might fall ill.    Quickly he broke the seal hoping to get a whiff of what majesty lay before him.

It was certainly peaches, or at least black magic made to taste like peaches, that populated the inside of this container.  While he hadn’t tasted this bubble nectar just yet his nose wouldn’t lie to him… would it?

Putting the lip of the bottle to his own he tilted it back to finally enjoy what the wizard had given him.  A broad smile crossed his face as the sweet peach soda raced across his tongue quickly being chased off by a horde of bubbles giving the soda a sharp contrasting after taste.  This wasn’t as smooth as he believed it would be, as this wasn’t the boys first peach soda, but he enjoyed it nonetheless.  Out of nowhere a dragon came lumbering along flicking its tongue moving closer and closer to the boy’s soda.  Panicking the boy ran off forgetting the Topo-Sabores behind him.  Looking over his shoulder he saw it was too late for him to save his soda… by the look on the dragon’s face it was to be consumed quickly.  The boy’s mood dropped as he remembered how much he enjoyed the peach flavoring, caused by black magic or not.  “Wait a minute,” the boy said allowed, “if a wizard made this for me shouldn’t it be the best soda I’ve ever had?  I mean he is a wizard and all.  This soda is enjoyable but a wizard should be able to create something out of this world.”  With that the boy walked into town square ready to post his review.  “Where is the soda the wizard gave you?  Wasn’t it most special?  Do you think he could make me one?” a passing peasant pondered.  “It was alright.”  The boy responded.  “Don’t bother asking him to make you one though.  You’re better off buying a bottle.”

Epilogue – As the years passed the boy grew and matured.  He made a lot of friends along the way and did some pretty amazing stuff.  That boy grew up to be Abraham Lincoln.

~A

To this day no one knows what happened to the dragon.  Some say he size was exaggerated, others say he still walks among us.  I guess we'll never know.

Deerfield Concord Grape

   The other day I was frequenting Walgreens because I dislike other pharmacies… not sure why but that’s for another time.  Anyway, I was wandering around Walgreens and checked their soda selection as I so often do.  Normally Walgreens is where I get my Jelly Belly Soda but this time I noticed they had a new flavor of Deerfield Soda… Concord Grape!  Since I hadn’t had a good grape soda in a while I figured Deerfield Concord Grape would fit that bill rather well, being that they tend to make excellent products!  I’ll warn you who haven’t experienced Deerfield Sodas… don’t scoff at this Walgreen’s made soda!  It uses cane sugar and is normally quite the treat!  Let’s open her up!

   Grape just came out of the bottle and smacked me across the face.  I didn’t even get a chance to put my nose near the mouth and I was assaulted with grape aroma.  Taking a now pointless whiff I am once again clearly reminded of what flavor of beverage I’m about to partake in.  This is definitely a top 10 in scent strength of all the sodas I’ve ever tested.  Let’s see if the taste is just as strong.

   The flavor is of course grape and not a weak grape by any means.  It’s more of a smooth grape soda which is a bit off putting to me because I prefer my grape soda with some bite to it.  Drinking this reminds me of the TV show Firefly.  It was a fantastic show and most anyone who sees it will agree with that statement.  Another thing most everyone agrees with is that it was cut short in its run.  That’s the feeling I’m getting with this Deerfield Concord Grape it lacks a solid finish but unlike Firefly it’s actually the fault of the soda not the fault of the show.  Firefly couldn’t help that it was cancelled robbing us of seasons of potential happiness.  Deerfield could have strengthened their soda by adding a bit more carbonation to it… or some sort of finish.  This isn’t to say that it’s not an ok soda… it is but it could have been so much more… so much more… shiny.

~A

Twist ate only grapes from ages 57-102

Barrilitos Tropical Punch

   I haven’t had a lot of tropical/fruit punch flavored sodas which is one reason I’m happy to have this bottle of Barrilitos Tropical Punch flavored soda in front of me.  Another more obvious reason is the fact that it is of course made with cane sugar since it’s from Mexico.  This is my first Barrilitos soda so I really have no idea what to expect.  Hopefully it’ll be close to an experience with a bottle of Jarritos than one of Caballitos.  I don’t really know what the logo is for Barrilitos but I do know that I like it.  It’s a green circle with a nifty design inside of it comprised of white ovals.  It looks very 1960’s space age if you ask me… which you did since you’re reading this.  Other than a nifty green logo and a textured neck this bottle of Barriltios is rather plain but that’s ok because it looks great with its simplistic design.  Time for a breather.

   I’d assume that tropical punch is a mixture of all sorts of flavors and smells but the one that I can smell the most easily is that of tangerine.  There’s an obvious mixture of fruit coming out of the bottle so this should be an interesting taste sensation.

   The flavor isn’t shy, I’ll tell you that much.  While I can’t discern a particular fruit from the taste I can tell you it seems to be a mixture of citrus and something of the plums/nectarines/peaches variety.  This is a very juicy soda… almost like you’re biting into a nicely ripened plum.  Your tongue immediately feels the punch that is listed on the label as soon as you take your first sip.  As long as the soda is in your mouth you are also aware of the carbonation.  It doesn’t so much attack your mouth as it makes its presence known.  Every holiday you have that one uncle that usually comes over and drinks way too much. (I don’t actually have this person in my family myself but stick with me here… pretend we’re a movie family and the analogy will work so much better.)  Anyway they usually drink way too much and make a huge scene.  Telling the kids inappropriate jokes for example.  Insulting the chair, apologizing to the chair, and eventually hugging the chair because he thinks it’s his father.  Putting lipstick on everything in the house that has lips… a mouth… or even just a face (clocks included).   You get the picture.  The carbonation isn’t that version of your movie uncle, the carbonation is that same uncle the year after he sobers up.  You keep your eyes trained on him waiting for him to make a scene but he doesn’t.  Throughout the night you can’t remove your gaze for the fear that you’ll be attacked with lipstick but still nothing happens.  Your uncle has made you very aware of himself but never making the scene he could be capable of making.  THAT is what the carbonation in this drink compares to.  You are very aware of it but not to the point where it’s apologizing to furniture.  With that said this is an above average drink but barely.  It has a nice flavor, a nice fizz, and decent ingredients… go on and treat yourself.

~A

Twist IS that drunk uncle.

Sprecher Ravin' Red

   I’ve been saving this soda.  I’ve been saving this soda because I think it’s going to be amazing and I want the review to do it justice.  What I have in front of me is a Sprecher’s Ravin’ Red.  Allow me to translate what flavor Ravin’ Red is.  Ravin’ Red is a cran-cherry soda with ginseng.  There is not one thing wrong with the list of flavors I typed up in that last sentence and that’s what excites me.  Sure Sprecher’s uses HFCS but they’ve shown in the past that they plug past that and create fantastic products.  The ingredient listed before HFCS is Door County Cherry Juice and later on down the label you find Wisconsin Rapids Cranberry Juice with some raw Wisconsin honey.  There are so many other sweeteners in here besides HFCS thus negating my care of their usage.  The label is also adorned with red raven flying through the air carrying a bag of cranberries and two cherries.  How I wish I could get a shirt with this amusing character on it.  Enough chatter.

   The scent that escapes the neck of the bottle is that of a slight cranberry.  I can’t smell the cherry at all but that’s not saying it isn’t there.   I’m not enticed by the scent but of course I will push on for the greater cause.

   Very nice.  All three listed flavors are present in each sip.  You are initially hit with the cranberry for a short period of time allowing the cherry to peek it’s head around the corner.  It’s not quite time for the cherry to go on stage yet because the ginseng pushes him back behind the curtain and makes his own appearance.  When the ginseng is done trying to be the star of the show the cherry reappears with one of the most delicious subtle finishes I’ve had in a long time.  Your mouth is left with a delightful cherry taste that you know is juice and not flavoring.  The mouth feel of this beverage ranges from the sharp feel of the cranberry on the back of your throat to the ever so smooth feel of cherry afterward.  Nothing about this beverage is overly sweet but I can’t figure out what I would pair it with if I was eating.  Honestly I guess it could be a good buddy to a burger or something along those lines.  The only downside I can find to this beverage is that its flavor builds up in your mouth.  Each sip becomes richer and richer until you’re not sure you want anymore.  The bottle I’m drinking from is 16 oz but I’d be perfectly happy with 12.  I’m going to stop here before I ruin my experience by over indulging myself on Sprecher’s Ravin’ Red.  Moderation my friend, moderation.

~A

Twist says he knows the raven on this bottle and that he's "good people".

Caballitos Mandarin

   “Little Horses”.  That’s what Caballitos translates into and that’s the name of the beverage I’m about to consume.  To be technical its mandarin flavored Caballitos.  If I was a more learned man I would know why Mexican sodas seem to popularly end in “itos”.  Jarritos, Barralitos, and now Caballitos.  Hopefully in the next 13.5 fluid ounces (that’s 400 ml for my metric friends) I’ll be a little closer to that answer but probably not.  Since this soda is Mexican I don’t even have to worry about finding HFCS on the ingredients label.  Nope!  Good old sugar is what sweetens this drink!  The bottle art for Caballitos seems to be a horse exploding from underneath a bottle cap.  The explosion caused by said horse apparently disrupted the Universe of Orange as orange pieces are flying hither and thither.  Let’s open ‘er up shall we?

   Huff as I might I only get the slightest of scents from the mouth of the bottle.  The mandarin scent is so very, very faint but we still must press on!  Drink up!

   This is the tamest orange soda I think I’ve had to date.  There is very little carbonation, very little bite, and the flavor is just so very average.  This tastes as if you took Sunkist Orange soda and added 3 parts water but then somehow took away the sensation of “watered down”.  Caballitos Mandarin doesn’t taste like watered down orange soda… it just weakly sits there.  The horse on the side art must be trying to leave the bottle as he is much too powerful of a mascot to be left upon such a mundane bottle of soda.  (Spoilers from The NeverEnding Story are coming up next, so beware Ralph ”The only guy who hasn’t seen The NeverEnding Story” Stevens.)  Sadly, much like Artax from the NeverEnding Story he must sit there and slowly meet his demise.  “Artax, you're sinking! Come on, turn around, you have to, now! Come on! Artax! Fight against the sadness, Artax.”  That scene hurt me so very much as a child.  I was very attached to Artax since we’d been through so much together in that movie.  Then as an adult I watched the movie again.  The horse dies like 10 minutes after you first meet him… TEN MINUTES!  They jarred my fragile child psyche with the death of a horse I met ten minutes ago!  On a higher note… wasn’t that luck dragon creepy/cool?  Where was I… oh yeah (Spoilers End).  Caballitos is very average orange, sorry, mandarin soda.  It doesn’t taste bad but it does absolutely nothing to set it apart from the pack… well except re-injure my childhood’s emotional scars.

~A

Twist was rooting for the Nothing the entire time... he's heartless like that.

Jarritos Strawberry

For my review today I picked something I know will probably be good… because it’s Jarritos.  Jarritos has one of the strongest lines of soda I’ve come across.  Who would have known that when I was a teenager my choice of picking the “alternative soda” was actually a great idea?  You see my best friend and I would stay at each other’s house overnight on some weekends and to make sure that we stayed up late we’d have to hit up the corner store for some soda.  How could you possibly play Golden Eye/Resident Evil/Rampage for 18 hours straight without it?  We picked Jarritos not because it was made with cane sugar, had a great taste, or had amazing flavors.  We picked it because it was weird to us.  Mexican soda?  WHAT?!  That’s crazy!  It’s funny and sad how “other worldly” Jarritos seemed at the time but I’m very happy to be drinking it now, hopefully appreciating it to its fullest extent.  Oh… by the way.  Today’s drink is Jarritos Strawberry!  You know the drill.

This smells like a syrupy strawberry soda.  My nostrils can taste the sweetness that will soon be on my tongue.  I’d go on but my drink is warming up… I do actually drink and write these at the same time you know. 

Wow… that’s a much lighter mouth feel that I was expecting.  Here I was thinking it was going to be heavy and syrupy but once again I’ve been surprised by Jarritos.  It starts off as a somewhat light and bubbly strawberry soda and finishes with a heavier feel.  My tongue can still feel the bubbles well after it’s gone down my gullet adding to the pleasurable experience.  You get most of the sweetness about 3/4ths through your gulp.  It’s like the sweet strawberry flavoring is waiting in the shadows ready to pounce but then jumps a bit earlier than it wanted too.  Your tongue is attacked by the carnivorous strawberry but fights it off only to walk away with a few battle scars in its remembrance.  Wave after wave of tiny, vicious strawberry attacks doing its best to thwart your tongue but no… your tongue is a warrior.  Your tongue has taken on envelope glue, 9 volt batteries, and even Malta Hatuey.  These tiny delicious strawberries are no match and show as such when they burst into tiny fizzy bubbles upon their death.  At the end of the battle your tongue is stained red with their blood.  Suddenly a warm strawberry scented breeze blows from the south.  Your tongue now knows that its job is done and lays dormant until the next meeting.  One more thing...

~A

(This bottle was given to us by Jarritos)

Faux Fact:  All sensations feel bubbly to iguanas.

Jelly Belly Crushed Pineapple

   Hey everybody, it’s time for another Jelly Belly soda review!  I’m not sure why I started this review out with such fanfare.  It’s not like everyone waits with great anticipation for me to write another Jelly Belly soda review… especially since I’ve only reviewed Jelly Belly Juicy Pear.  Anyway, today we’ve got Jelly Belly Crushed Pineapple to try and I’m raring to give it a go.  Of course like the last Jelly Belly soda it’s made with 100% Cane Sugar and naturally flavored.  Sadly it still houses the demon known as Sodium Benzoate.  Well enough chatter, let’s open up the bottle imprisoning the yellow sugar water and give it a go.

   Wow… this doesn’t smell like pineapple as much as it smells like pineapple cake.  I wasn’t really expecting that but it’s a welcome surprise.  I’m a big fan of pineapple upside down cake so hopefully this drink is a liquefied version of such.  Although assuming that may just lead me down heartbreak road.  You know what happens when you assume don’t you?  It makes an ass of you… the reader… not me… but you.  Time to drink!

   Aaaand here comes the positive review.  This is the best pineapple soda I’ve ever had.  It does taste a bit like pineapple upside down cake but it mostly reminds me of a Dole-Whip.  For those of you who are unaware of the magic that is a Dole-Whip let me explain.  A Dole-whip is soft serve pineapple ice cream.  You can even put said pineapple ice cream into pineapple juice making it a Dole-Whip Float.  There are only three places that you can consume just magical splendor:  The Dole Plantation in Hawaii, In Disneyland right outside of the Enchanted Tiki Room, at WDW in Adventureland and also in the Polynesian Resort, and finally at some place called Jumpin' Jack's Drive-In in Scotia, NY.  I used to work at WDW and even sold a Dole Whip or 8 billion at one time so I’m fairly familiar with them.  Needless to say even though I’m not wacky for pineapples I’m a colossal fan of Dole-Whips.  Seriously… next chance you get you should try one.  No, no… I’ll just wait for you all to try one.  Go on, save up your money.  I’ll wait.

(Read this next part in a few years.  Take your time, I’m in no rush.)

   We all caught up now?  Good, it was worth it wasn’t it?  So now that it’s several years in the future from when you started this article go ahead and stop in your local SodaJerks Poppery and have a cold Jelly Belly Crush Pineapple to compare.  It should be rather easy to do as we’re on every corner.  As you now know, Jelly Belly Pineapple soda isn’t as sweet as a Dole-Whip though and of course it doesn’t have the cream flavoring either but it’s a very good soda.  The carbonation level is low allowing more of the pineapple flavoring to penetrate your palate.  I really don’t think that this would be a beverage you’d have with a meal though either.  Jelly Belly Crushed Pineapple seems more like a dessert drink or something you’d enjoy while sitting in the shade on a hot day.  With all that said I should probably just rate it.  I mean you’ve waited this long, there’s no need to leave you waiting any more.

Aaron Manahan

CEO of SodaJerks Enterprises

Twist is head of sercurity now... just mind your S's and J's and no one will get hurt.

Olde Brooklyn Orange Soda

   It’s been a while since I’ve done a review but thankfully a few citizens of the Carbonation have produced some outstanding reviews in my absence.  The site has a new look which I hope you like and I’m about to reference one of our newest sections!  The soda I’m pulling out of the Ice Box today is Olde Brooklyn Orange Soda.  The bottle art is what I assume to be the Brooklyn Bridge.  There’s also a nifty orange explosion happening on the neck of the bottle as well.  Other than those two things the bottle is fairly undecorated.  Looking at the ingredients shows us an assortment of interesting facts.  It’s sweetened with cane sugar which is always a positive but the thing that catches my attention even more is the nutrition label.  Apparently one bottle of this contains 2% of the calcium and 15% of the iron you need in a day.  I’m not sure if I’ve ever had an orange soda that had any iron in it at all, points to Olde Brooklyn Orange Soda for having this.  Enough with the chatter, let’s open this up.

   While the orange scent isn’t the strongest example I’ve ever encountered it’s still prevalent.  I’d say the majority of other orange sodas smell smell more sweetly of this .  Hopefully this will be a unique experience.  Time to find out.

   Well I can honestly say that I’ve never tasted an orange soda like this before.   It’s not nearly as tart as I thought it would be but I was correct in guessing that it wouldn’t be as sweet either.  The carbonation level is also fairly low.  It’s like you took a standard orange soda (Sunkist, Crush, etc) and muted the experience just a little bit.  “Oh no!” you say, “Guess we should just chalk this up as a loss.”  Wait, wait, wait, you random person that always seems to find their way into my house.  The muted orange flavoring actually works pretty well for Olde Brooklyn Orange Soda.  Many orange sodas are rather harsh on the throat not fully quenching your thirst.  Olde Brooklyn Orange Soda’s muted experience allows for more thirst quenching.  Just as the sharp mouth feel a soda brings can be a positive attribute for a soda the lack thereof helps set Olde Brooklyn Orange Soda apart from some of the other brands it might be competing against.  With that said…

Make sure when you enjoy your Olde Brooklyn Orange soda you do so with an iguana and a glass pineapple

Crush Lime

   I’m sleepy so let’s get this over with.  Aaron like lime soda, blah, blah, blah.  There aren’t many lime sodas on the market, yada, yada, yada.  Hopefully Crush Lime is delicious, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice, Beetlejuice.  What I obviously have in front of me is a can of Crush Lime.  This was given to us by Dan Dub who I believe hated it.  Mike has since tried it and apparently loves the stuff.  I’ve been over thinking the order of drinks to review in my fridge and in a tired stupor picked this one out because it’d be the easiest to photograph (I could either photograph and then review it, or I could review it and then photograph).  Any who, this is a can of lime flavored soda which is made by Crush.  I like Crush Orange so I might as well give this one a shot as well.  Time to crack’er open. 

   Smells D-Lishus!  The first thing I thought of when I opened the can was candy.  This could very well be liquid lime candy.  I suppose most soda is liquid candy when you think about it but I don’t really want to think about it at the time.  I just want to drink this, so I shall.

   Well the initial taste is much weaker than I thought it would be.  The smell psyches you out, making you think you’re going to enjoy liquid lime candy when in fact you’re just drinking an average lime soda.  There isn’t a whole lot of fizz to Crush Lime, or Lime Crush as I’m sure everyone else in the world calls it.  I have no qualms with there being little fizz to this drink.  If it were any fizzier then the already muted lime flavoring would be stuffed even further back onto the bookshelf much like Garfield Tips the Scales: His Eighth Book.  The cat has like 50 something books and if you planned on collecting them as a kid you probably gave up around book 30 like I did.  To this day I’ll be going through my bookshelf and randomly find a Garfield book stuffed amongst my other bizarre reading material.  I found a Hi-lights magazine in there from 1987.  Guess what?  Goofus is still not ready for “big boy” scissors and Gallant will end up housing over 60 cats by the age of 42… most of them imaginary.  You know why I ranted just then?  I’ll tell you, because Crush Lime is boring.  This is a generic flavored lime beverage with no life to it.  This is something that you’d find when you need to scavenge for food right before a hurricane hits.  “I can’t believe I didn’t do this earlier.  Why isn’t there any bottled water left?!  Beef Jerky?  Yeah that’s a meat, we can eat that.  A gallon of sweet tea… sure the kids like sweet tea.  Generic lemon cookies?  Those go great with sweet tea!  What’s this?  Lime Crush?  I didn’t even know they made… ah heck I might as well grab it.”  You take it home and guzzle it down with your beef jerky and generic lemon cookies.  Never once do you think that it’s great or that it’s horrible.  You just drink it because it’s there.  If you like lime but don’t have access to Jarritos Lime or Stewarts Key Lime Soda, then I guess this would be ok.  Just know that you’re missing out on the superior product.

~A

Twist was oddly attracted to this can.