Jarritos Fruit Punch

   Who doesn’t like fruit punch?  Raise your hand.  Ok… the three of you in the world that don’t enjoy some aspect of fruit punch may leave.  The rest of you get to watch The Muppet Movie!  Sadly no, I tricked you.  The rest of you get to now read my review of Jarritos Fruit Punch!  I expect great things from this soda as Jarritos really hasn’t let me down yet, and the fruit punch “flavor” has a very liberal taste definition amongst other drinks.  My initial gaze at the bottle immediately notices its healthy red color which pops (HA!) nicely to the eye.  Enough chatter, let’s get started.

   The initial scent reminded me of what I might smell if I was eating a fruit punch sno-cone.  It’s definitely a sweet smell but not overly sweet if my nose is indeed telling the truth.  I really thought the scent would be a bit more powerful but I really have to inhale at the lip of the bottle to really get any scent at all.  You’re never going to accidentally smell this.  Ok, on to the fun part.

   The first thing my mouth feels when I take a swig is a barrage of tiny carbonation bubbles, so much that the initial flavor is masked by them.  They quickly give way to what I can best describe as a strawberry/cherry/slight citrusy flavor.  Honestly, I can’t identify every fruit in this particular fruit punch.  It’s sweet but as I assumed by its smell not overly so.  You could drink this with a meal and not be worried about spoiling dessert.  As quickly as the flavor hits your tongue it begins to leave.  Sure there are remnants of it left within the walls of your mouth but the real memory comes from the bubbly burning sensation left on your tongue.  It’s like world history in your mouth.  Your tongue is a new country and the carbonation bubbles show up to live there.  They’re happy, they’re cool, and they have families, and carbo-dogs and such.  Meanwhile the fruit punch flavoring is getting a big jealous so it decides to show up and crush the carbonation with delicious flavors.  Being frail, the bubbles succumb to this attack and vanish for the time being.  Happy in its victory, the flavor continues on into your body looking for other things to conquer.  Little does the flavor know that it’s all downhill from here.  Meanwhile, a few bubbles have survived the onslaught and begin to rebuild on your tongue.  “What an enjoyable sensation!” you say.  Your words cause tremendous earthquakes amongst the bubble population causing mass hysteria, and eventually the bubbles are no more.  After both the bubbles and flavor have left your mouth the indigenous taste buds come out and cheer… for they are the true victors in this story. 

~A

Note: This soda was given to us by Jarritos.

Twist's favorite Muppet is Rowlf.

Walgreens Strawberry Cherry Escape

   Sometimes I get lazy when selecting a soda.  Sometimes I don’t want to go searching for the most unique thing out there on the market.  This was one of those times, thus the reason today’s review is Walgreens Strawberry Cherry Escape.  Chances are if you have a friendly neighborhood Walgreens in your area you’ll be able to find this flavor.  I really don’t feel all that bad for reviewing this soda because it’s probably more easily obtained than many of the others we review.  With that said I don’t have high expectations for it.  I blame my biased thoughts about Walgreens Strawberry Cherry Escape on the fact that I think I’m slowly becoming a soda snob.  Hopefully this drink helps bring me back to my roots.

   As I crack open this 20oz bottle I start to get a familiar feeling.  Yes I’ve opened many a 20oz bottle but that’s not what I’m feeling.  Putting my nose to the bottle I get both of the scents written on the label with strawberry winning the tug of war with my nostrils.  That’s truly an odd thing to picture.  Any who, it’s time to consume.

   Light carbonation, fruity flavor, not too overly sweet… not too shabby.  The taste is much like the scent which makes it nice that my nose didn’t play any tricks on me.  There’s nothing overly special about this soda but I’m starting to realize what that familiar feeling is I was feeling earlier.  I don’t know if it’s the generic packaging of this soda or the basic red coloring but something about this is sending me back to my childhood. 

   When I look at a bottle of Walgreens Strawberry Cherry Escape I immediately get the mental image of a kid in the 1980’s who we’ll call Luke.  Luke is having a party and everything is going well.  His best buds are there… and heck even a few girls are there but they aren’t quite old enough to realize they aren’t gross yet.  Luke and company have consumed all the Pepsi purchased for the party but they still need more to drink.  “We’re thirsty, Mom!”  Luke says.  “Well why don’t you get some of those extra drinks in the garage?” she replies.  Luke then begins to make the trek to the garage.  He squeezes past the car, and tiptoes his way around the tools sitting on the wall.  He’s wearing his favorite Thundercats t-shirt so he doesn’t want to get any grease on it.  After making his way around to the corner of the garage he spies the sodas his mother has mentioned.  There they sit, on top of what can only be described as half a cardboard box.  This is the usual place the sodas are kept and the evidence of can indentations only proves this further.  Luke grabs a couple of the 2 liter bottles, reveling for just a moment in the warmth that they give him.  Once again he squeezes past the car, the tools, and all the other junk in the garage.  It’s a bit harder this go around since the two bottles are a bit much for him to hold onto at this young age.  As he makes his way back inside, with no thanks to any of the other partygoers, he places the bottles on the countertop so his mother can open them.  She does indeed open the bottles and pours the warm liquid onto the cubed ice, melting it instantly.  This fake recollection of memory is why Mike wants you to buy a pack of Walgreens Strawberry Cherry Escape.  I on the other hand think that while this memory could be accurate, the taste of this beverage is average.

Look at it... how exotic!

Cascal Light Red

   So I saw a bottle of what I thought was a soda called Cas Cal… but it turns out that’s the actual companies name.  First off that reminds me of a dish detergent name but I don’t know why.  Then I searched the bottle for the name of the flavor it incased and the best I could find was “Light Red”.  Fortunately the bottle also included the fact that the soda had “notes” of black current, cherry, and mirabelle, which is apparently a variety of plum.  So I take this bottle to Mike’s so that we may record a Popcast about it, and in the process of studying the bottle I learn that almost everything in this is fermented.  Sigh.  I’m not a big fan of the fermented sodas but needless to say it still needs to be reviewed. 

   This smells horrible.  Ok, maybe horrible is too strong a word but this isn’t anything I would normally ingest without some sort of compensation.  Today’s compensation is the fact that I later get to post this article to our fellow citizens of the Carbo-Nation.  Time for consumption.

   Amazingly it doesn’t taste nearly as horrible as it smells, so I guess it’s got that going for it. One delightful thing about this is the fact that it’s very lightly carbonated.  There is a slight fruity flavor, but honestly there is nothing special here.  I occasionally get the slight flavor of tea but the fermentation is warping the “light red” flavor to the point where I really don’t want to finish this bottle.  I feel badly making this such a short review but honestly there is nothing else that needs to be said about this.  It has light carbonation and a slight but warped fruit flavor tainted by fermentation.  This is a big ol’ bottle of Meh.

~A

Light Red... more like Light Dead. Sigh.  Twist always wrote the witty captions.

Jarritos Lime Soda

   Please be good.  Please, please, please be the best lime soda I’ve ever had.  Oh!  Hi there, Aaron here from TheSodaJerks.net.  Perhaps you saw me begging and pleading with this bottle of Jarritos Lime Soda to be of excellent quality and taste.  If so, I’m very sorry to have embarrassed you like that.  If not… well then you don’t read our reviews very carefully do you?  As you may know I have a dream of finding a great lime soda but that dream has not been realized yet.  Hopefully today Jarritos will show me that my dream is not of the “pipe” variety.  Let’s open this up and see where it takes us. 

   Upon smelling the opening of the bottle I notice a very slight lime scent.  This of course is somewhat promising, but how much of that promise will translate into a delicious lime taste?  There’s only one way to answer that question… drink the soda.  I guess we could have someone else drink it, and then allow them to review the soda for us but that wouldn’t be much fun would it?  Here goes.

   I’m… I’m liking this.  Fortunately this is not one of those lime sodas where it just tastes like you’re drinking off brand 7-Up.  While I wouldn’t compare it to cutting open a lime and sucking out the sour goodness, I also wouldn’t compare this to lime flavored candy either.  The flavor I’m experiencing here is in the middle of those two places, not too sour, not too candy sweet, in fact it’s very pleasant.  Jarritos Lime Soda starts off without a lot of bite but as its incredible journey through the mouth continues the carbonation seems to attack your throat with a barrage of tiny bubbles. 

   The aftertaste that is left is slight, but delightfully sweet.  This is also a very refreshing beverage with a somewhat light mouth feel, one I would enjoy on a hot day.  That must sound kind of silly.  “What kind of soda wouldn’t be good on a hot day, YOU FOOL?!”  First off… cool it.  Secondly, there are several beverages that might sit heavily in your stomach.  For example strawberry soda is one you might not want to chug after playing cartoon freeze tag with all your friends.  Well all your friends except Tyler since he’s a jerk and all.  I can’t believe he borrowed Super Dodge Ball from you and when you finally got it back it wouldn’t work.  You tried to play it but you just kept getting the title screen and some weird jumbled version of the title screen flashing back and forth while the first second of the title music repeats over and over again.  What kind of friend ruins your favorite Nintendo game?  No friend of mine.  Getting back on track though, you could chug that strawberry soda but be prepared to watch all your friends recall in horror as you seem to lose more blood than humanly possible through your mouth.  What a delightful mental picture that is! 

   Back to this, now empty, bottle of Jarritos Lime Soda.  While I will not say that my dream has been fulfilled, Jarritos Lime Soda is the best lime flavored soda I’ve had to date.  With that said my rating may hold a bit of a bias.  I have just had the best lime soda I’ve ever tasted, and lime soda might not be all that important to you.  With that said, know that this is a definite buy but that my rating is as follows.

~A

(Note:  This beverage was provided to us by Jarritos.)

Faux Fact:  Twist is lime flavored.

Maine Root Blueberry Soda

   Let me start off this review, which you would know the outcome of if you listened to Popcast Episode 29, by stating the fact that I’m not all that fond of blueberries.  I like blueberry muffins but that’s pretty much where my love for the tiny spherical fruit ends.  I do not like them in the raw; I do not like them in my jaw.  I do not want them in my cakes; they make my taste buds slightly ache.  I will not eat them with a goat; I will not eat them in a moat.  I do not like the berries blue; but I would not mind a new kazoo.  There… point made.  On the other hand this is Maine Root Blueberry Soda.  Maine Root sodas are known for including fair trade ingredients with an excellent quality about them.  Hopefully that will help sway the flavor to something closer to my liking.  On with the drinking!

   Ok, so I haven’t tasted it yet but if you’ve read any of my reviews you know that I huff my beverage first to get you a little bit more information about them.  This one smells remarkably like blueberries but not overly so.  It’s a nice sweet smell without being too powerful.  No without further adieu… the first sip.

   Delicious!  This is a fantastic soda!  The blueberry flavoring (created by using actual blueberry juice) is flavored just right.  This isn’t as tart as a raw blueberry would be, nor is it as sweet as you might find in a pie.  I compare the aftertaste to that of a blueberry muffin, without the warm bread of course.  For someone who isn’t all that fond of blueberries I must say that I’m highly impressed.  For a company to make me like something I normally do not is truly a success on their part!  Maine Root Blueberry Soda also packs the perfect amount of carbonation for its flavor.  It’s not necessarily a smooth beverage but a blueberry soda shouldn’t be in my opinion.  Sorry if my words seem a little jumbled but I’m generally excited about this soda.  The only downside I’ve noticed is that the flavor degrades the warmer the bottle gets.  I know this is common with all sodas but this one seems to be doing so at a much quicker pace.  So as I chug the last bit of Maine Root Blueberry Soda I’ll leave you with this… the rating.

~A

It stands alone in awesome blueberry taste... on a Formica counter top

Jarritos Mango

   Continuing the Jarritos reviews, we now have Jarritos Mango to experience.  When I think of this exquisite fruit all that floods my mind are these scholarly words.  "Can you know the mighty ocean?  Can you lasso a star from the sky?  Can you say to a rainbow... 'Hey, stop being a rainbow for a second'?  No!  Such is Mango!"  While I’m not sure if the intellectual that spoke those words is absolutely right with their description of mango, it does indeed have a very unique flavor.  I’m excited; you’re excited, let’s drink.

   What a great aroma this Jarritos Mango produces.  Since I somewhat know what I’m to expect here, this exceeds what I did expect.  It’s a very rich and robust mango scent that emits from the top of the bottle.  Enough of the chit chat; let us partake in my first mango soda.

   CURSE YOU NOSE!  My nose always seems to be the hype engine when it comes to soda.  Recently the smell seems to be stronger than the taste in the sodas I’ve reviewed.  With that said, this is still a very nice soda.  You definitely get a punch of mango to the back of the throat almost instantly.  The mango flavor is easily identified, and the aftertaste is delightful as well.  This has more of a soda mouth feel than what I thought it would, strong, tart, and to the point.  To improve this though I think I would make it a little bit creamier of a soda.  I want less punch to the throat and more ‘sitting on a beach’ relaxation.   Mango soda should be smooth in my opinion, and a bit more flavorful than what Jarritos has done here.  This, of course, is my opinion.  If you’re a fan of the mango, or even if you’re not, you should still try this soda.

~A

(Note:  This beverage was provided to us by Jarritos.)

Twist, sadly, is allergic to Mangoes

HEB Original Cola

   What sits in front of me today is a marvel of the world, but then again I’m not that well traveled.  HEB Original Cola is the name of the game: a store brand cola.  If you haven’t guessed by now, HEB is a grocery store here in Texas.  As far as grocery store chains go… this one is definitely in my Top Three.  “Why is this HEB Original Cola a marvel?” you ask?  It’s made with pure cane sugar.  THANK YOU!  A store brand cola made with pure cane sugar!  HEB Original Cola also doesn’t have any sodium benzoate polluting it either!  The art on the outside of the can is retro and unlike anything you’d see branded by a grocery store.  With all that said this still needs to taste delicious.  So let us find out together. 

   The smell that comes from this cream colored can is definitely that of cola.  You could wave this in front of my nose and I’d probably guess it was a Coke or an RC Cola.  I’m not the best sniffer in the world, but the aroma seems to be a combination of the two.  Enough chatter, more drink!

   Very nice.  HEB Original Cola tastes like a Coke but without as much of the bite.  That’s not to say its’ bite isn’t noticeable, in fact it’s quite pleasant.  As much as I’d love to sing the praises of this cola’s amazing flavor, it’s going to be pretty hard to.  There is nothing in the flavor that sets it apart from Coke, Pepsi, or RC… but that is where it achieves victory.  This is a store brand cola sold at a lesser cost than the big three.  HEB Original Cola also has better ingredients than the big three colas.  You’re getting the flavor of cola you’re familiar with for a cheaper price and with better ingredients.  Give me a reason NOT to buy it.  Think of any movie where they need to recruit a warrior of some sort to help defeat an evil force.  Do they pick the biggest warrior with the shiniest red armor that will join you for a price?  Do they pick the flashy blue warrior with the newest gear that constantly tells you how he could beat up the red warrior at a moment’s notice?  No.  They pick that guy in the back of the bar.  Sure he gave up being a warrior a lifetime ago, but they appeal to his honor, his morals, and his values.  He reluctantly joins, and the audience is disappointed at first that this was the best the group could get.  As soon as the first battle starts you realize he’s not just some washed up warrior, he’s Hebor, King of All Warriors!  All he needed was for someone to give him a chance, to let him shine.  Give HEB Original Cola a chance to shine.  Pick it up one day instead of Coke or Pepsi, and see if you aren’t impressed.

~A

Twist enjoys the fact that the can has a picture of a bottle cap on it

Zuberfizz Creamy Root Beer

   Sadly I’ve been neglecting the Zuberfizz sodas in my fridge.  Zuberfizz brand sodas have found to be very inconsistent in their quality.  One minute I’m drinking a great Key Lime, and the next minute I open a different bottle of the same flavor and it’s a watery version of the soda I just fawned over.  Today I am examining a bottle of Zuberfizz Creamy Root Beer!  If it’s not one of the watery ones I bet it’ll be delicious!  Times a waistin’!

   It has a very nice root beer aroma, Captain Obvious… I know.  It almost has the smell of A&W Root Beer Barrels, which I love.  So far so good, let’s see if its flavor can match up to its smell.

   No…no it can’t.  This isn’t gross, this isn’t horrible, this doesn’t make me go into a Oedipal rage making me want to kill my father and marry my mother.  I’m not even sure that last sentence made sense.  Anywho, this is boring root beer.  Guess what?  This tastes watered down, and THIS is why I’m not fond of reviewing Zuberfizz sodas.  I know for a fact they can be good, but for whatever reason I keep catching watered down batches of them.  I like this company so much;  I want them to succeed.  The label art is great, the ingredients for the most part are great, heck even the name is cool.  I’m not going to go into a rant today just because I don’t think the fine folks at Zuberfizz are deserving of one.  Zuberfizz Creamy Root Beer is kind of creamy, but for the most part it’s just watery.  If indeed all of their root beer tastes like this you’re better off drinking other brands.  This, in short, is root beer for babies.

~A

Twist's mouth is watering so much for this watery root beer that water is on the bottle... water.

Henry Weinhard's Black Cherry Cream Soda

   A citizen of the Carbo-Nation suggested that we try out Henry Weinhard’s Root Beer.  Well no such luck as they were out of root beer when my good friend Dustin arrived as a location that sells Henry Wienhard products.  Thankfully Dustin was able to procure some Henry Weinhard’s Black Cherry Cream Soda!  The label has a nice old timey feel to it, and the literature on the front of the bottle makes it seem like they use high quality ingredients.  Let’s check it out!  It seems that the flavoring they use is high quality as they include the all natural flavors of black cherries, black raspberry, and bourbon vanilla.  Deeee-lish!  Once you look past the flavoring though you get HFCS and sodium benzoate, bringing this soda a little bit closer to the realm of “nothing special”.  Hopefully the top notch natural flavors will push it to the top of the heap.  Let’s see what Henry has to offer.

   Wow, this is one of the most delicious smelling sodas I’ve had the chance to inhale in a long time.  The odor is rich combination of vanilla and cherry.  It does worry me a bit because it likens itself to sno-cone syrup in that it seems concentrated to the point of being overly sweet.  This will either work very well for Ol’ Henry Weinhard, or be his undoing.

   Well that’s a little disappointing.  The hype the odor created only set me up for sadness.  Don’t get me wrong, this will end up being a positive verdict for Ol’ H.W.  If they had been able to make the taste as rich as the smell… we’d probably be talking about a serious top soda contender.  I’ve whined enough, so  it’s now time for the actual review.  You’re initially greeted with a punch of black cherry, which is a pleasant way to start.  The “punch” lingers for a bit, and then cross dissolves (I work in television, so forgive the lingo) to the vanilla cream promised in the soda’s name.  I originally described the vanilla cream as “smooth” but realized I’d be lying as the finish on this drink isn’t as smooth as you might predict… and I think I know why. 

   While I’ve had drinks that felt much more syrupy in my mouth, this definitely lines the inside of it much like the smell of fast food lingers in your car hours after you’ve taken the bags out.  The aroma just sits there like a heavy cloud of sadness in your car, waiting for the next potential passenger to enter your car and be instantly depressed by the death gas your fries have created.  The HFCS is going to be the bane of Ol’ Henry Weinhard.  If they’d just replace the HFCS in this soda with sugar we’d be talking about a potentially amazing beverage.  I think the longer I drink this the more average it tastes… so I’m going to stop now before I go away from my initial score.

~A

Twist was unable to review this weeks beverage as he is part of the Weinhard family... not the soda making Weinhards, but a completely different unassociated Weinhard.

Postobon Manzana

   If Pepto-Bismol was a soda it would look like this.  Dan “The Fan” W gave us this very pink can of Postobon, which is apparently an apple flavored soda.  Looking at the label shows that Postobon is a myriad of chemicals.  With that said, I do like apple flavored soda and I am one of the few people that likes Pepto-Bismol… so color me ready to drink.  While I’m not sure what color “ready” is, I’m pretty sure in this case it’s pink.

  This has no smell.  Wait, wait, I can faintly smell apples and now the odor is getting stronger.  It was like the apple smell was Nessie keeping her head underwater until she thought it was safe to come up, avoiding the stares of tourists.  Now as she emerges the apple smell gets stronger and stronger.   That would be so very awesome if the Loch Ness Monster smelled of apples.  Since I’ve now somehow tied another thing I like into this beverage I’d say it’s time to drink.

  That, my friends, is no apple soda.  This is some kind of cotton candy/apple hybrid.  Have you ever had apple cotton candy?  Of course you haven’t.  The only time you get the flavor of cotton candy and apples together is after a long day at the state fair… after one too many rides on the Zipper.  I did it again.  I incorporated my favorite carnival ride into this review.  I don’t really want to drink this anymore, it’s so sickly sweet.  It’s not so gross that I think no one will like it, I’m sure there will be people out there who disagree with me whole heartedly.  What I’m saying is that I’m done with Postobon and for some reason I have Bonnie Pink’s song Cotton Candy stuck in my head.

~A

Twist used to operate the Gravitron

Mega Man E-Tank

   I love Mega Man.  That’s not exactly a huge news Flash, Man.  He was there for some of the greatest moments of my childhood and now in my adultness.  If I had to rank video game characters he’d be one of the Top, Man.  With that said, I was very pleased when Carbo-Nation citizen “Ma Bla XL ‘Not the Spreadsheet’” handed me a can of Mega Man E-Tank to review.  Without missing a Beat, I grabbed it and knew what kind of review I’d be doing.  You can find this at Hot Topic for $2.99; I’m pretty sure it’s just a generic energy drink though.  I don’t know why they don’t stock higher quality drinks… it’s not that Hard, Man.  It doesn’t matter what I think though, I’m still not going to Rush through this review.  I’m going to drink it!  No Guts, Man, no glory!  This challenge shall be Met, and hopefully it won’t make me feel Wily and Crash, Man.  Alright, now that I’ve said my piece, let’s Rock and Roll!

   There, now I’ve cracked this open and exposed it to the Air, Man.  It smells like a generic energy drink, citrus, with a hint of chemical.  Alright, now that we’ve smelled it, it’s time to drink it.  C’mon you know the Drill, Man!

   Like I detected with my nose, this does have a citrus flavoring.  The two citrus flavors present seem to be lime and lemon.  It doesn’t taste like the lime and lemon flavoring you might find in a Sprite but with more of an initial punch; the flavor hits you pretty Quick, Man.  On the plus side Mega Man E-Tank does seem to have a sweeter finish than other energy drinks; it even has a pretty Light mouth feel.  Along with the sweetness, there is the sour twinge that you might get from licking something Metal, Man.  This is an easily downed beverage as it doesn’t have the nasty aftertaste many energy drinks might have.  I can’t tell yet if this will do anything, if it’ll shake my Spine, or if it’ll just give me the right amount of Spark, Man.

   So, even though Mega Man E-tank is nothing special, if you’re a fan of the Man in Blue go out and get this drink Proto, Man!  … um, I mean pronto!

~A

Twist cries at the site of Iceman... stupid disappearing blocks

Saranac Root Beer

   A citizen of the Carbo-Nation suggested a while back that we search out and try some Saranac Root Beer.  Well guess what, “Person reading the Saranac – Root Beer Review”, we got some!  The Saranac brewery (est. in 1888) is located in New York and, much like other beer breweries, they have a root beer for us non-alcohol drinkers.  This root beer sits in an unassuming bottle with a classy looking maroon and gold label.  Oddly enough it reminds me of the Cheers logo.  Sadly, after looking at the ingredients I see that this is both sweetened with high fructose corn syrup and includes sodium benzoate.  These are two chemicals no Soda Jerk wants to see; regardless, let’s open her up!

   It has a very nice root beery smell… to put a description on it I’d say it smells like a high end A&W root beer.  Now that the shortest part of the review is over: On to the consumption!

   This is a good root beer.  The end.  Done. 

   No, no, I’m only kidding.  There are plenty of words to follow.  It has the initial mouth feel of an IBC root beer but oddly enough it’s not quite as heavy.  The amount of carbonation attacks your tongue with every swallow in a quick but hard hitting fashion.  The finish is so quick that I’m not going to mention it… other than mentioning that I won’t mention it, that is.  This has more bite than any root beer I’ve had to date; it’s not smooth at all.  When I first saw this bottle I thought I’d be drinking a generic root beer that didn’t set itself apart from any other root beer in a brown bottle.  I’m happy to say that I was very wrong.  If you put this in a root beer line up I’d easily tell it apart from the others.  Wow, I can’t get over how harsh (in a good way) this attacks the back of my throat.  It’s like you fell asleep with your mouth open and there’s this guy who thinks he’s funny, right?  But in reality he’s just a guy you happened to sit next to on the first day of class and unfortunately for you, you accidentally laughed at one of his pointless jokes so now you’re “best buds”.  No matter how many times you tell him to buzz off he stays around making the same level of horrible joke... staring at you, waiting for you to laugh like you did the first time.  What an idiot…Oh yeah I was talking about something!  It’s like he dropped a pinch of pop-rocks onto your tonsils.  You’d be surprised at first, but it’d be tasty enough that you’d repeat his stupid prank, placing more pop-rocks onto your tonsils, fueling his fire… making him stronger… never being rid of the constant staring… the staring.

~A

(Note:  This beverage was provided to us by the Saranac Brewery)

Faux Fact:  Iguana's can't feel pain when it's caused by root beer.

Fitz's Orange Pop

   Dan “the Fan” W gave me this bottle of Fitz’s Orange Pop with the disclaimer that this was “the worst orange soda he’d ever had”.  The ingredients indicate that it uses cane sugar, and filtered water… so maybe Dan is exaggerating a bit.  On the other hand it also has your standard soda chemicals… so there is still promise of it being bad.  Short intro.  Let’s get going.

   I don’t know that I’ve ever had a drink SMELL so strongly of cardboard, but that’s exactly what this smells like.  Like if a comical hobo (the kind you can feel ok about making fun of) found a piece of cardboard in the dumpster, but sitting on top of it was half an orange.  “Cardboard ala Orange” he’d call it, and charge two comical fish heads per piece.  Sadly it’s now time to drink.

   I wish it tasted more like cardboard, but this is like drinking Cardboard ala Orange out of a dirty sock.  That’s not an exaggeration; it really does taste like it has been strained through a used athletic sock.  The beginning is like you’re sucking on said sock, and that said sock has been saturated in orange soda.  For the splitest of seconds you then get the solo taste of orange soda, only to be finished off by the rather disgusting flavor of the aforementioned Cardboard ala Orange combined with dirty sock.  Dan was right; this is the worst orange soda I’ve ever had, hands down.   I’m honestly having a tough time deciding on the verdict of this soda… so we’re going to see if I can finish it or not.  I’ll tell you right now that I don’t want to, but I’m going to give it a shot.  ***time lapse*** Still drinking… how does something sweetened with cane sugar taste so very awkward?!  Ok, as unpleasant as the task was I did indeed finish it.  Now for the parting shot.

~A

Twist has his "yuk" face on.  Can't you tell?

Purple Stuff - Sippin Citrus

   In the category of classy soda names, Purple Stuff – Sippin Citrus is definitely not listed.  That of course doesn’t mean I won’t review it, you wouldn’t be reading this if I hadn’t.  This was given to us by a citizen of the Carbo-Nation… one Chaz Cavenaugh.  Purple Stuff is a self described “Pro-Relaxation & Calming Elixir” much like Drank.  You can tell it’s trying a bit too hard to associate it self with hallucinogenic drugs because the font is very “Willy Wonka” and there is a crazy purple vortex behind said font.  Well enough babbling it’s time to “Lean with it” as the can says.

   Well after I cracked it open and “Leant with it” for a little bit, I noticed that it has little to no aroma.  While true that most citrus beverages don’t have much of an odor, some part of me thought that this one just might.  Granted part of the fake history on the back of the can does say “Quench your thirst with some casual glamour as you sniff the aroma of purity.” Casual glamour, really?  Oh by the way, the actually color of Purple Stuff is insanely light purple… very disappointing.  Alright, it’s time to sip.

   Do you with Sprite tasted more like an energy drink?  If so, then Purple Stuff – Sippin Citrus is for you.  To break it down a bit more, the initial flavor is like that of a watered down, generic, energy drink.  The middle is where you taste the Sprite… with a lot less carbonation; and the finish is the energy drink flavor again.  It leaves a lighter version of Sprite film in your mouth, so I guess it’s got that going for it.  Listed under the “Caveat” on the back of the can reads this, plus many more sentences…”Purple Stuff is healthy, fun, and the taste is out of this Purple World!”  No, no it’s not.  It does have B vitamins, but also a host of chemicals thus negating any real health benefits.  It’s not fun in the slightest; in fact this is one of the more annoying cans I’ve ever come across.  The only one that could possibly be true is that it has a taste out of this Purple World.  The Earth isn’t purple, so I can only assume an alien race of street wise aliens from some purple planet brought this with them.  Lucky us.

~A

Although you probably can't tell... Twist is in fact "leaning with it"

Inca Kola

   Inca Kola.  “The Golden Kola” aka “The Golden Carbonated Beverage” aka Inca Kola, sits in front of me in a golden can, wrapped in aluminum… wrapped in a mystery.  This can seems to be full of chemicals, which is something I’m pretty sure the Incan’s didn’t use a lot of in their original kola… if in fact they did make kola.  The drink buy date is in 2011, almost as if they doubt you’ll be around in 2012 to drink it… eerie, but not really.  The unknown must become known, let us open this golden can.

   I assumed it would smell like a cola… ahem sorry… kola, but it doesn’t.  Inca Kola smells of cream soda and bubble gum.  The “Golden Kola” has the aroma of “The Red Wonder”… Big Red.  Not being a huge fan of Big Red, it’s not looking good for Inca Kola.  Time to drink.

   Good news, everybody!  It doesn’t taste like Big Red.  The bubble gum you smell translates into the taste of the beverage, except it also includes a hint of ginger.  “Does Inca Kola have ginger in it?” you ask.  No.  No it does not.  In fact this tastes like a generic mystery beverage.  It’s a hodge-podge of chemicals made to be a sugary drink with nothing that sets it apart from the pack.  Get it?  The pack.  A six pack of soda.  Eh? Eh?  Awwww, you don’t get it!  If you see Inca Kola though…

~A

Back home, Twist is known at the Golden Iguana... I asked him why but he said it was embarrassing.

Gamer Soda Grape

   Three Gamer Soda flavors down… one to go!  Since this particular Gamer Soda doesn’t have a flavor listed on it, yet the packaging is purple, I’m going to go out on a limb and guess that it’s grape.  I am the connoisseur of grape flavored sodas between the two of us, and I look forward to trying this installment from Gamer.  You can read all about my history with grape sodas in some of the many links I’m posting in this article.  Enough chit chat… time for business!

   This has a cheap grocery store brand grape soda smell.  Now if you’ve read those articles I told you about, then you’d know that sentence is a compliment.  For those of you who are too lazy to read the articles, that first sentence means that it has a strong, recognizable, definite, grape odor.  Gamer Soda surprises me most every time when it comes to the punch of the aroma that escapes the bottle, shame on me for doubting.   Let’s find out if the flavor matches.

   The first thing I noticed is that my stomach is VERY empty.  I really need to eat something after I finish this review.  Secondly I’m really impressed with the amount of flavor I’m getting here.  It has that “artificial grape” taste (again, read the articles…), but with a very clean finish.  Gamer Soda Grape seems to have the best of both worlds, excluding the sodium benzoate of course.   You get just the right amount of grape flavoring without all of the heaviness a non-brand grape soda would carry with it.  If I do say so myself, Gamer Soda Grape is the first refreshing grape soda I’ve ever had.  There’s really not much more to say.  I don’t even have a funny story to go with this, so here’s an amusing word… Wolpertinger.

~A

(Note:  This beverage was provided to us by Gamer Soda)

Twist is actually half Wolpertinger... which makes him 100% Wolpertinger

Reed's Original Ginger Brew

   We've reviewed so manyReed’s Gingerproducts it amazed me to find out that we’ve never tried their Original Ginger Brew.  Well guess what, and unless you’re horrible at guessing you’ll probably guess correctly.  That’s right we’re shutting the site down out of embarrassment… after of course we review Reed’s Original Ginger Brew, review several other sodas, make a profit off of the site, open a store that rivals Wal-Mart in terms of power, achieve a cult like following, and buy golden DeLoreans only to have endangered owls race them to a fiery, fiery, aftermath.  So let’s get to it!

   Much like the other Reed’s Ginger products, this one has quite the ginger aroma.  No it doesn’t smell like a red-head… that would be creepy.  What it does have is 17 grams of fresh ginger per bottle.  Now this concerns me a bit because the bottle says “All Natural Jamaican Style Ginger Ale”, but this is starting to seem more like a ginger beer.  Only one way to find out… inject it into my veins.  Sadly my Ginger Injection Machine (G.I.M) is on the fritz, so I’ll just drink it instead.  Have I mentioned that I’m feeling a bit off today? I have no idea why.

   Delicious!  So far it’s as promised… rich, flavorful, ginger ale!  While the side of the bottle clearly says “Strong Ginger Bite”, I think I’m home free from experiencing something that would set my tonsil holes ablaze.  It’s very light in carbonation, which normally would be bad for a ginger ale in my book, but the rich flavor of ginger really makes me not care much about anything else.  “Wait Aaron… if the ginger flavor is so rich, why isn’t it burning your mouth?”  Who said that?  Oh, you!  First off, leave my house… wait don’t forget your wallet.  Secondly, I compare it to having really rich chocolate that doesn’t taste overly sweet.  Ok… the answer is that I don’t really know.  I see that this has 8 grams less than Reed’s Extra Ginger Brew (which is a ginger beer), so I’m sure that plays a large factor.  I had a bit of a stomach ache earlier, and the ginger is effectively knocking that out as well as giving my stomach a warming sensation.  Thanks Reed’s.  Threeds.  The only negative thing I can say about this is that it leaves a bit of a film in your mouth.   The film has the same consistency of what you might find in the after effects of a swig of grape juice, of course that only applies if you have the same reaction to grape juice as I.  Even with that tiny complaint, this still ranks as one of the best ginger ales that I’ve ever tasted. 

~A

Faux Fact: Iguanas are a combination of water, ginger, and scales

Fentimans Dandelion & Burdock Soda

   As promised I’m going to try something a little different today with the review today.  In front of me is the head of a dog.  I don’t know if the dog’s name is Fentiman, or if Fentiman is a particularly unattractive person who happens to look like a dog.  It doesn’t matter who/what Fentiman is.  What does matter is that I have a bottle of his Dandelion & Burdock soda in front of me, given to us by Dustin H.  Since I haven’t the slightest idea of what this could taste like, I thought it might be fun to do the review without trying the soda… then taste the soda and give the real review.   Care to play?  Yes, let’s.

***Faux Review:

Ok let’s take some time to smell the roses…er… dandelions, and open this beautiful bottle up.  Wow, the smell isn’t quite as strong as I thought it’d be, but what I do smell has a fruity scent to it.  The closest thing I can describe the smell to is mixed berry yogurt, Yoplait of course.  Ok, enough smelling… time to drink!

Hmm… that’s a hard flavor to describe (especially when I haven’t tasted it yet, tee hee).  While I definitely still taste the berries I initially smelled, I also get kind of an earthy flavor hitting me in the spot my tonsils used to reside.  I like this, but I don’t think I’d drink it every day.  The sweetness is just about perfect, but I wish there was a bit more fizz to this.  I honestly didn’t know what to expect, but I’m glad I ended up giving it a try.  Speaking of trying new things…

Faux Verdict – Buy a Pack***

   Ok, how was that?  Hopefully it’s fairly accurate, but we’re about to find out for realsies.  Let’s open this bad boy up.

   Ok it definitely does have a fruity smell, but much closer to a combination of cherries and grape Robitussin.  I can smell the slight amount of alcohol in this.  Just a heads up, it is fermented, and has less than 0.5% alcohol by volume.  I decided to drink this because it was given to us by a fan, but it technically doesn’t meet all of our standards for a soda we’d normally review.  Enough chatter, let’s take a swig.

   That is a peculiar flavor, and I don’t really taste much sugar at all.  Fentimans Dandelion & Burdock starts off with a flavor comparable to cough syrup, which transforms into… well, cough syrup.  It’s obviously not thick like cough syrup so I guess that’s a plus.  Oh no!  Someone has put a gun to my head, and is making me describe it in one sentence!  It tastes like cough syrup soda without the vapory feeling cough syrup gives your mouth.  Fwew!  He’s gone… thanks for all your help!  Oh, another thing.   It also has a bit of a black licorice finish to it, but it’s so slight I reluctantly added it only after Twist made me.  One positive comment I will say about Fentimans Dandelion & Burdock is that you don’t have to search for the flavor… unlike my previous experience with Dry Soda Co. Lavender.  Sadly though, it seems that this really isn’t up my alley… and that’s fine.  If you’re a big fan of the ‘Tussin maybe you should give it a try.  I for one like a little ‘Tussin.

~A

Twist got soooooo WASTED!

Thomas Kemper Vanilla Cream

   It seems that when you drink a Thomas Kemper product you’re probably not going to regret your choice.  Hopefully today’s installment follows that particular path.  In front of me sits a bee.  The bee in front of me sits on a bottle of Thomas Kemper Vanilla Cream.  As you probably know Thomas Kemper has both Northwest honey, and cane sugar included in the ingredients… so we may be in for a sweet treat here.  Let’s take a whiff.

   It smells like a cream soda flavored Dum-Dum brand sucker… which is certainly not a bad thing, but I can assume (yes I know what happens when you assume) that this is going to be incredibly sweet from the aroma alone.  I wasn’t really feeling a cream soda today, but this may get me to change my tune.  Time for a drink.

   Well oddly enough it’s not a sweet as I thought it would be, nor is it all that creamy.  While the bite you feel before the cream is weak, it’s still stronger than something you’d normally find in a drink as smooth as cream soda.  The vanilla flavoring can’t be missed as it jumps in behind the initial fizz.  Since I enjoy giving random analogies, and it seems a few of you enjoy them too, here’s one describing the relationship between the fizz and vanilla flavoring.  Picture that you’re walking through an empty castle; you’ve been there a week exploring with your best friend, so you kind of know your way around.  Turning through the corridors you hear the laughter of children coming from around the corner.  Poking your head around you only see a deserted hallway, but no sooner do you turn back around that someone jumps out in front of you and gives your heart a slight rush.  Don’t worry; it’s your best friend Fizz.  Why his parents named him Fizz we’ll never know.  It only takes a split-second to realize this and begin to calm down, but then a tiny deformed version of Fizz jumps out from behind him and screams at you.   Thankfully tiny deformed Fizz is wearing a shirt that reads “Vanilla” so that this analogy would make more sense.  That was just a fun way of saying, first you’re hit with fizz, then a dose of vanilla you can’t ignore… but the vanilla isn’t very smooth.    This is an ok Vanilla Cream soda… but there better ones out there.

~A

Twist is afraid of bees... hence the shaking

Gamer Soda Orange

   Gamer soda is back in our hands, and this time it has the flavor of oranges.  As you may know we’ve already tried two of the Gamer soda flavors… cherry and citrus.  I’m a fan of orange soda, so I’m quite interested to see how well this clear concoction delivers.   Let’s open it shall we?

   The smell is most definitely orange.  It’s not a chemically smelling orange either; in fact it smells like the fine mist that occurs when you squeeze an orange peel.   For now I’m going to file that in the “Yay” book.  Drinkin’ time.

   Well that’s odd.  The smell definitely has a more lingering orange experience to it than the taste.  Gamer Orange doesn’t have a diet taste to it, but the mouth feel is that of a diet drink.  What I mean by that is it doesn’t sit heavy in your mouth like say a Sunkist Orange Soda would.  A light mouth feel is fine and dandy (like sour candy) but this is just a bit too light for me.  Picture one of those people who own a pet parrot, but are really too close to it.  You know the people I’m talking about, they allow the birds head into their mouth so it can pick at their teeth.  Now picture a parrot of your choosing picking at the teeth of its owner, who we will now call Raphael.  This particular parrot accidentally dropped a candy orange slice on the back of the Raphael’s tongue (no questions on how he got one, parrots are crafty creatures), but then being greedy the parrot immediately picked the orange slice back up again.  This only teased Raphael’s taste buds to the fantastic flavor of orange he could be experiencing had he not raised a greedy parrot.  That is what Gamer Orange tastes like… without the taste of parrot feathers of course.  The beverage taunts you with what it could be if the flavor only lasted a little longer.  Sure you have a decent aftertaste, and in a lot of cases that would be enough for me, but not in this one.  After this rant you might think that I’d rate this beverage lower, but the orange flavor they tease you with really is tasty… like crackers.

~A

**Update!**

We received an e-mail from Gamer Soda explaining the way the flavor hits your tongue!

Considering your parrot analogy, when you sweeten with real (cane) sugar, the flavor comes & goes quicker because it doesn’t coat your mouth like syrup. HFCS has been commercially used for so long now that most consumers have gotten used to it’s yuckiness. You can really tell the difference when comparing side-by-side, and if you ever compare the 2 at room temperature, there’s a huge difference (not that you’d drink a soda at room temperature…this almost qualifies as a sin). The cane sugar soda tastes fine, but the HFCS can barely be tolerated. Lastly, cane sugar sodas don’t need nearly the same carbonation, because you don’t have to trick your taste buds like you do when using corn syrup. As they say, you get what you pay for!

Thanks to Gamer Soda for showing an interest in the site, and helping teach us all a little bit more about soda.

(Note:  This beverage was provided to us by Gamer Soda)

After one too many oranges I can get Twist to clean my teeth