Neurogasm

While in a scholarly bookstore looking for wares so that I might promote my alma mater, I stumbled upon a section of sodas whose flavors all started with the word “Neuro”.  Quickly looking over them I picked up the most humorously named for review purposes and went on my way.  That particular bottle was called Neurogasm.  Neurogasm comes in a maroon lava lamp shaped bottle with all sorts of words and phrases on it that inform you what you’re about to experience with this particular flavor of Neuro.  According to the bottle Neurogasm has “passion in every bottle”, “only 35 calories”, and a warning not to give it to anyone under the age of 12.  We’re not to the amusing stuff yet though.  The back of the bottle reads as follows.

Neurogasm

-          Supports healthy circulation

-          Helps support the pleasure response

-          Provides playful energy

-          Promotes healthy aging.

 The word Neurogasm means different things to different people and it all leads to something great… gasm.  Neurogasm provides nutrients including L-citrulline to support health blood flow and circulation offering you the opportunity for more enjoyment.  Whether it’s day or night or even later at night who would want that?

Ok… so there you have it.  Basically I just bought a sex drink out of a college bookstore, but it has Neuro in the title so it’s not trashy.  Oh no, if anything it’s a “smart choice”.  Of course I’ll be reviewing this on taste alone unless you want to start paying $9.99 a month for this site.  I’m a bit worried that I’ll have a similar experience to Mike when he reviewed Extenze Soda.  Let’s cautiously begin this review.

After removing the oddly shaped plastic lid I’m greeted with a mixture of odd fruit flavors.  It almost smells like a blueberry pomegranate V8 fusion… which I enjoy, but something is off about the smell of Neurogasm.  The sentence “something is off about the smell of Neurogasm” is going to make me laugh every time I read it.  Moving on.  I’m worried that I’m about to dive into a mixture of energy drink (due to the ridiculous amounts of B vitamins) and vegetable juice (due to the fact that they use vegetable juice).  A vegetable/fruit juice energy drink sounds like a good idea, but let’s take a sip and find out if Neurogasm (must I keep typing that) is worth its weight in anything.

No, no it’s not.  Neurogasm has a lot less flavor than I expected.  Want to make some Neurogasm at home without all the blood circulation side effects?  Grab a can of V8 fusion and mix it with some almost flat seltzer water.  Ta da!  You now have a Neurogasm without all that gasm getting in your way.  This is a lightly carbonated soda with hints of flavor dancing around a very neutral base.  Yes you can taste the fruit juice.  Yes you can taste the vegetable juice.  Yes it’s a drinkable concoction, but as far as flavored-non-alcoholic-carbonated-beverages go… meh.  I’m sorry for what I’m about to say, please forgive me for any unintentional puns.  When I saw the words Neurogasm on the side of a bottle I expected an explosion of flavor.  You don’t make a drink with a provocative name and then give it a weak flavor, shame on you Neuro for teasing us with promises of “passion in every bottle”.  PASSION IN EVERY BOTTLE!  What about that sentence would you associate with a poorly flavored soda that doesn’t start off or finish strong?  So much of what is written on this bottle makes you think of the pleasure you’re going to enjoy while drinking it, and the pleasure of whatever may happen afterwards.  To use a baseball analogy, if I’m about to get to first base and I get shot in the leg along the way, do I really care that I made it to first base?  Sure a triple would make me forget a little more about what just happened, and maybe a home run would make me not care at all, but I don’t see anyone who uses a drink called Neurogasm getting past first in even their best attempts.

~A

Twist has more passion in his soulless eyes.

Stander - Mint Soda

   “We're a German based non-alcoholic mint flavoured Premium Soda”.  Those are some of the words written to me in an e-mail by the nice people at Ständer.  Of course I had to oblige.  There isn’t much in that description that I could say no to for very long.  What I got from them was a package of Ständer soda along with a coaster and a bar napkin.  I have so many questions now!  Will I hate this?  Will I love it?  Am I hip enough to drink something from an 8 oz. black metal bottle?  Will this freshen my breath in any way?  Going back one question and speaking of the 8 oz. black metal bottle… this is some of the coolest packaging I’ve ever seen associated with a soda.  Looking at the ingredients on the side I feel even better about my soon to be consumed beverage:  Filtered Sparkling Water, Natural Beet Sugar, Natural Lemon and Spearmint Flavor, Citric Acid, Natural Caffeine, Vitamins B6, B12, B7 and B5.  The only bit of color on the black bottle is a picture of three mint leaves (in the appropriate color) with the words “mint your mind” underneath them.  I’m not really sure what “minting my mind” consists of but I’m willing to try anything once… well not ANYTHING but “soda anything”.  Ok, I can’t handle writing about what this might be like any more.  I have to try it now!

   WOW!  That is certainly filled with mint.  It smells like I just crushed up mint leaves in my hands and inhaled them.  That is THE most unique smelling soda I’ve ever encountered.  Obviously I’ve smelled mint before but never coming out of my soda bottle.  I can’t state the strength of the smell enough.  It’s a very strong, very minty, almost alcoholic (but it’s not) scent.  Enough chatter… time for the drinking.

   Ok… that’s odd.  Initially I experience a refreshing taste that’s light on carbonation.  You can definitely taste the spearmint and as of right now it may be too much for my palate.  I’ve also given a taste of this to my co-worker and he says he liked it but he’s also a huge fan of spearmint.  I’ll include his rating at the end of this review along with mine.  I’m finding that if I take larger sips/gulps it helps with the strong spearmint taste… maybe because the rest of my tongue gets to experience it instead of just a concentrated area.  If I did indeed drink alcoholic beverages this seems like it would mix amazingly with some of them.  Sorry, I haven’t taken you through the drink gamut yet.  Hold on, here we go!  As soon as you drink Ständer you are greeted with that spearmint flavor that I’ve now mentioned too many times.  That washes away leaving a cleaner aftertaste but not letting you forget about the unique flavor you just consumed.  At no point in this process do you ever forget that you’re drinking mint soda and for that they should be applauded.  I’ve reviewed Lavender and Juniper Berry  flavored soda both of which tasted more like somewhat flavored sparkling water.  Ständer on the other hand is not backing off the flavor listed on their label in the slightest.  You take your awesome looking black metal bottle; you beat off the hipsters in the club groping as said bottle trying to look cooler to their respective peers.  Then you open said bottle and inhale what is obviously spearmint.  Drinking it you try not to look too surprised at what you taste, although you are, because if you look surprised you lose the look of “that cool guy with the hip metal bottle.”  Then flocks of hipster chicks/guys make their way toward you so that they too can experience mint soda.  Now… were my questions answered?

Will I hate this?  - No, not at all.  The spearmint flavoring was off putting at first but I got used to it.

Will I love it?  - No, I don’t love it either but I do like it.

Am I hip enough to drink something from an 8 oz. black metal bottle?  - I’m pretty sure this 8 oz. bottle would at least make me feel like I had more cred at a club.

Will this freshen my breath in any way? – As far as I can tell… no, not really.

Were my questions answered? – Well, yes.  You just read them.

(Note: This soda was given to us by Ständer)

The only being in the universe that is scientifically cooler than a Ständer bottle... is Twist

XAPP

   When I was approached (i.e. e-mailed) by the folks as XAPP asking if I wouldn’t mind reviewing their soda I was a bit skeptical.  You see XAPP soda isn’t your normal soda… it’s a workout soda.  What I mean by this is that it has 25g of protein in it to help you recover from your strenuous workings out.  The reason I was skeptical (going back to my initial sentence) was because I’ve never known a “workout” product to taste good.  Normally when I see the word “protein” slapped on a label I associate it with all those weight gain powder drinks that I tried to force myself to drink back when my family called me “Stick Boy”.  Needless to say I took XAPP up on their challenge with the stipulation that I only review the flavor aspect of XAPP soda… which by the way is fruit punch.  So this review will have nothing to do with how well it helps me recover from my work out.  XAPP comes with caffeine and without caffeine.  The caffeine version is what you’re supposed to drink pre-workout to help energize you.  Since I’d like to get some sleep relatively soon I’ve opted for the caffeine-free version.  Let’s open ‘er up and… wait… the ingredients of this include milk.  Skepticism level raised.  Any who, let’s open ‘er up and take a whiff. 

   Well it certainly smells like fruit punch so that’s a plus.  Skepticism level lowered (slightly).  It’s not the strongest fruit punch aroma I’ve ever encountered but it’s enough to make me think this might actually taste pretty decent.  There’s only one way to find out.

   Well the initial chug of the beverage is kind of pleasant.  It tastes like a light and fruity punch much like the listed flavor says.  The finish is what’s going to hurt XAPP soda but we’ll get to that.  It’s very lightly carbonated so you’re not going to be burping up a lot of this stuff when you’re done chugging it down.  I only say chugging because that to me is extreme drinking.  I figure you have to be extreme to drink this because the can is decorated with the look of carbon fiber.  If you’re drinking out of a “carbon fiber” can then you must be pretty extreme.  You won’t be “Smug looking guy I can’t stand wearing too tight a t-shirt/necklace with slicked back hair and sprayed on confidence… I mean tan” extreme, this is an acceptable level of extreme but I digress.  Back to when I said “the finish is what’s going to hurt XAPP soda…”  The finish is what’s going to hurt XAPP soda.  I say this because that’s when this begins to taste like a “workout” beverage.  The mouth feel isn’t gritty but it’s not a pleasant one either.  Texture wise it’s like the most liquidy mud you’ve ever seen.  No actual granules mind you but not something you want to keep ingesting for pleasure.  The more you drink it the more you mouth suffers from the buildup of this beverage.  It’s almost as if XAPP soda has a mouth drying effect the more you drink it.  With all that said it’s not the worst soda I’ve ever had and as far as “workout” products go I’d say it has one of the better flavors out there.   TheSodaJerks don’t review products based on how well they taste in their category though.  I’m not going to rank this because it tastes better than Hyper-Choco-Bo 9000.  In the end, which is nearing, the ranking is primarily based on how well its taste holds up in the soda world.  The initial taste really is kinda nice and if they could have held onto that flavor we’d be talking in cheerful tones right now.  Sadly though the initial flavor dissipates relatively quickly into the saddest finish since Crystal Skull. 

~A

(This drink provided to us by XAPP)

We didn't allow Twist to try this because we were afraid he'd become too powerful to control

Mega Man E-Tank

   I love Mega Man.  That’s not exactly a huge news Flash, Man.  He was there for some of the greatest moments of my childhood and now in my adultness.  If I had to rank video game characters he’d be one of the Top, Man.  With that said, I was very pleased when Carbo-Nation citizen “Ma Bla XL ‘Not the Spreadsheet’” handed me a can of Mega Man E-Tank to review.  Without missing a Beat, I grabbed it and knew what kind of review I’d be doing.  You can find this at Hot Topic for $2.99; I’m pretty sure it’s just a generic energy drink though.  I don’t know why they don’t stock higher quality drinks… it’s not that Hard, Man.  It doesn’t matter what I think though, I’m still not going to Rush through this review.  I’m going to drink it!  No Guts, Man, no glory!  This challenge shall be Met, and hopefully it won’t make me feel Wily and Crash, Man.  Alright, now that I’ve said my piece, let’s Rock and Roll!

   There, now I’ve cracked this open and exposed it to the Air, Man.  It smells like a generic energy drink, citrus, with a hint of chemical.  Alright, now that we’ve smelled it, it’s time to drink it.  C’mon you know the Drill, Man!

   Like I detected with my nose, this does have a citrus flavoring.  The two citrus flavors present seem to be lime and lemon.  It doesn’t taste like the lime and lemon flavoring you might find in a Sprite but with more of an initial punch; the flavor hits you pretty Quick, Man.  On the plus side Mega Man E-Tank does seem to have a sweeter finish than other energy drinks; it even has a pretty Light mouth feel.  Along with the sweetness, there is the sour twinge that you might get from licking something Metal, Man.  This is an easily downed beverage as it doesn’t have the nasty aftertaste many energy drinks might have.  I can’t tell yet if this will do anything, if it’ll shake my Spine, or if it’ll just give me the right amount of Spark, Man.

   So, even though Mega Man E-tank is nothing special, if you’re a fan of the Man in Blue go out and get this drink Proto, Man!  … um, I mean pronto!

~A

Twist cries at the site of Iceman... stupid disappearing blocks

Purple Stuff - Sippin Citrus

   In the category of classy soda names, Purple Stuff – Sippin Citrus is definitely not listed.  That of course doesn’t mean I won’t review it, you wouldn’t be reading this if I hadn’t.  This was given to us by a citizen of the Carbo-Nation… one Chaz Cavenaugh.  Purple Stuff is a self described “Pro-Relaxation & Calming Elixir” much like Drank.  You can tell it’s trying a bit too hard to associate it self with hallucinogenic drugs because the font is very “Willy Wonka” and there is a crazy purple vortex behind said font.  Well enough babbling it’s time to “Lean with it” as the can says.

   Well after I cracked it open and “Leant with it” for a little bit, I noticed that it has little to no aroma.  While true that most citrus beverages don’t have much of an odor, some part of me thought that this one just might.  Granted part of the fake history on the back of the can does say “Quench your thirst with some casual glamour as you sniff the aroma of purity.” Casual glamour, really?  Oh by the way, the actually color of Purple Stuff is insanely light purple… very disappointing.  Alright, it’s time to sip.

   Do you with Sprite tasted more like an energy drink?  If so, then Purple Stuff – Sippin Citrus is for you.  To break it down a bit more, the initial flavor is like that of a watered down, generic, energy drink.  The middle is where you taste the Sprite… with a lot less carbonation; and the finish is the energy drink flavor again.  It leaves a lighter version of Sprite film in your mouth, so I guess it’s got that going for it.  Listed under the “Caveat” on the back of the can reads this, plus many more sentences…”Purple Stuff is healthy, fun, and the taste is out of this Purple World!”  No, no it’s not.  It does have B vitamins, but also a host of chemicals thus negating any real health benefits.  It’s not fun in the slightest; in fact this is one of the more annoying cans I’ve ever come across.  The only one that could possibly be true is that it has a taste out of this Purple World.  The Earth isn’t purple, so I can only assume an alien race of street wise aliens from some purple planet brought this with them.  Lucky us.

~A

Although you probably can't tell... Twist is in fact "leaning with it"

Sonic Boom! - Street Fighter Energy Drink

   Round One!  FIGHT!  It’s time for another energy drink review.  This one is brought to us by the man known only as “Johnny Two Guns”.  Sitting in front of me is Sonic Boom! – Street Fighter energy drink.  Being a fan of Street Fighter II, I’m honestly looking forward to this review.  I still remember bringing the instruction booklet to lunch in the 5th grade just to show everyone that I owned it.  Let’s crack this open, and give it a whiff. 

   I’m already kind of scared because this has a similar “floral” scent that the last energy drink I tested had.  Let’s just say I don’t want to go down that road again.  Putting my nose to the opening of the can one more time, I get a hint of citrus, chemicals, and Indian lotus flowers.  Yay?  Now it’s time to don the red bandana, and get to drinking.

   Wow, I’m surprised at the flavor of Sonic Boom!  The initial taste and feel of the drink hits you like…well a Sonic Boom.  The drink’s piquancy makes its presence known on your tongue; it’s a quick bite that seems to be comprised of a lime/orange/chemical hybrid.   While the flavor stays consistent, the intensity thankfully does not.  After the drink electrified my tonsils (the jokes on them, I don’t have tonsils), Sonic Boom’s mouth feel morphs into that of Sierra Mist.  Not that it’s as crisp as Sierra Mist, but the carbonation level, and viscosity is similar.  While I’m sure this will wake me up a bit, I don’t think it will be the equivalent of a hundred hand slap to the face.  I don’t consider myself an energy drink connoisseur but, I would drink this again if it was offered to me.  Ken you believe it?

Yatta!

~A

In Japan, Twist is actually named Balrog.

ESSN Energy - Pomegranate Lime Flower

   Today’s drink comes once again from B. Neal.  He’s given us a wide variety of drinks, from the very good… to the very horrible.  Let’s hope this drink, ESSN Energy – Pomegranate Lime flower, is the prior.

   The 2nd largest word on the can is “Organic” so they seem to think pretty highly of the fact that this is indeed an Organic energy drink without “those chemicals, funky tasting preservatives and not-so-pleasant jitters.”  We’ve had an all natural energy drink before by Reed’s, and it was surprisingly good.  Here’s hoping once again.  Let’s open it up.

   I’m immediately scared because it smells like lime (good), flowers (good, good), and airplane glue (what?!).  Against my better judgment, it’s time to drink.

   Ok, while it may be totally organic, it tastes like it’s made of chemicals.  Airplane glue perhaps?  The side of the can mentions how well the “crisp berry taste blends perfectly with the lime flower.”   I’ll tell you right now that if it truly is blended perfectly, then they never should have been blended in the first place.  This is one of the most vile energy drinks I’ve ever had the opportunity to taste.  It wouldn’t be so bad if the side of the can didn’t brag about how much better this tastes than chemical filled drinks.  It tastes to me how acetone smells, and I refuse to drink any more of this.  Now I’ve had this in my fridge for a while, so I’m going to check the “drink by” date on the bottom of the can to make sure I didn’t judge this in haste.  Ok, it does say “Best by April 2010” so by their standards I’m in the clear.  The only positives I have for this is that the can is a nice color, and it’s not as bad as Malta Hatuey (but garners the same score)…so, hooray?

~A

Twist is the better drink in this picture

Reed's Natural Energy Elixir

   My apologies for putting this review up so late after we completed the Popcast.  We try and have them up within a few days after recording, but with the holidays, and all, I got behind.  Wait a second… why am I apologizing?  I’m a Jerk!  Today I hold in my hand a beverage with an erupting volcano on the front, Reed’s Natural Energy Elixir.  I’ll tell you right now that I’m excited to drink this for a couple of reasons.  Reason one is that it’s from Reed’s, and they very rarely steer us in the wrong direction.  The second reason is that this beverage holds the title of an elixir.  I wish there were more elixirs on the market.

   Since this is an energy drink you would assume it has a chemical taste.  Well had you listened to the Popcast you’d know that it does not, and that can be attributed to its long list of natural ingredients.  Here’s the list that they put on the side of the can, with each of their benefits.

Ginger – powerful antioxidant, increases metabolism, elevates mood, improves digestion and nutrition absorption.

Green Tea – rich in epigallacatechin gallate (EGCG) a powerful antioxidant, a natural source of caffeine, lowers bad cholesterol.

Ginseng – a powerful adaptogen that counters stress and increases endurance.

Goji – Himalayan longevity secret with powerful antioxidants, counters aging, and increases resistance to disease.

Açaí – a rainforest super fruit packed with antioxidants, energy, and nutrition

Camu Camu – a rainforest super fruit with the highest concentration of vitamin C on any plant, antioxidant, mood balancing, antidepressant.

Jiaogulan – called the immortality herb, a powerful adaptogen that increases the body’s resistance to stress.

L-Theanine – an amino acid that creates a sense of relaxation and alertness similar to meditation.

B Vitamins – essential nutrients that help counteract stressful living.

   With this being my second can of Reed’s Natural Energy Elixir, I am sure I will achieve strenght, and immortality with the above ingredients.  I will overpower Mike (since he foolishly only had one can) and become the lone Soda Jerk.  Being a Soda Jerk is a lot like being a Highlander… except real.  Let’s move on shall we.

   After I crack open the top, I immediately get the strong smell of ginger, with a hint of honey.  It’s not exactly an inviting odor to me, but it doesn’t scare me away either.  It is nice to have such a powerful aroma coming off the top of a drink though; it means that each sip will more than likely be flavorful.  Let’s drink.

   As stated earlier, this drink doesn’t have the chemical taste of other energy beverages.  In fact if you look at the ingredient list as you drink, you can pick out the individual flavors.  You can taste the honey, the lemon/lime… this elixir has a complicated set of flavors if you look for it.  Ginger root is still the strongest flavor in the can, and it’s pretty well documented that I don’t like the burning sensation ginger produces when consumed, and Reed’s Natural Energy Elixir is a culprit as well.  I will say that it doesn’t have the burn of a ginger beer, and it’s tolerable by my own standards.  Since we judge all beverages the same, I will say that as sodas go it’s just alright.  On a second note, this drink does work well at giving you energy.  I don't feel jittery after trying it, just much more aware of what's going on around me.  The score won’t reflect how good of an energy drink it is, and let me tell you it’s a good one.  

~A

Twist has enjoyed 5 cans so far... there can be only one!

(Note:  This beverage was provided to us by Reed's)

Sexy Italia - Energy Drink Plus

   Feeling a bit sleepy a little before 9:00 pm made me feel old, so I decided to crack open an energy drink that’d been in my fridge for a while… Sexy Italia.

   I picked up this can at a favorite stomping of TheSodaJerks, honestly when it looks like two genies are about to procreate on the label how you could you pass it up.  Something just now caught my eye though, it’s labeled as an energy drink… plus.  After looking up the limited information I can find on this beverage I learn that I’m about to drink an aphrodisiac.  It’s amazing there aren’t more Italians with this Energy Drink + Aphrodisiac on the market.  The label clearly tells me, in both English and Italian, that my energy is coming from Vitamin’s B6, B12, and some Niacin.  I have no doubt that this will help me stay awake for a short while, but I have my doubts on the aphrodisiac; regardless of the fact that in tiny official print the can tells me that it holds a  “High level of energy and stimulating components.”  I really wish I could go into all the amusing words listed on this can, but I’m positive I’d be giving this energy drink + more than it deserved in a review.  I’ll tell you at the end of the review if either the energy portion or the aphrodisiac portion of the drink works.  Don’t worry Mom, it won’t be weird.  Let’s just drink this thing.

    I open the can and I immediately smell the laundry list of ingredients that I’m about to ingest.  Upon first drink though I can’t say that I hate it, but I couldn’t tell you what I taste right now either.   Sexy Italia is hardly a descriptive term in the flavor world; unless you take it literally… then it’s gross.  I will tell you that the aftertaste is way better than the actual taste of the drink, which is an interesting change.  This is kind of how I would think flavored lighter fluid would taste, although I just found online that the flavors are “roses and pomegranate.”  I’m not exactly sure that rose is considered a flavor, but we’ve reviewed a lavender flavored beverage before so I guess anything goes.  Orange!  I think I taste some sort of orange here in the after taste, or maybe I’m just hoping for orange.  There was some citric acid listed amongst the dictionary of words on the side of this can, so maybe that’s what I taste.  Whew, just burped… tastes like the aftertaste.  Ok, now it’s time for me to just sit back and see if I feel any of the effects.

*time passes*

   Energy… all I got from this drink was energy; not even energy really, I’m just more awake now.  It has served its purpose well; I will no longer fall asleep like an old person at 9:30 pm.  Now I can stay up with all the others in Generation Y and watch the 10:00 news!  WOOOOOO HOOOOOO!!!!!  The aphrodisiac portion of this beverage either has no effect on me, or is non-existent.  Just thought I’d through that in there to qualm any fears that I’d turned into a pro-creating genie… much like the ones on the can. 

Twist the Iguana wanted no part of this