Neurogasm

While in a scholarly bookstore looking for wares so that I might promote my alma mater, I stumbled upon a section of sodas whose flavors all started with the word “Neuro”.  Quickly looking over them I picked up the most humorously named for review purposes and went on my way.  That particular bottle was called Neurogasm.  Neurogasm comes in a maroon lava lamp shaped bottle with all sorts of words and phrases on it that inform you what you’re about to experience with this particular flavor of Neuro.  According to the bottle Neurogasm has “passion in every bottle”, “only 35 calories”, and a warning not to give it to anyone under the age of 12.  We’re not to the amusing stuff yet though.  The back of the bottle reads as follows.

Neurogasm

-          Supports healthy circulation

-          Helps support the pleasure response

-          Provides playful energy

-          Promotes healthy aging.

 The word Neurogasm means different things to different people and it all leads to something great… gasm.  Neurogasm provides nutrients including L-citrulline to support health blood flow and circulation offering you the opportunity for more enjoyment.  Whether it’s day or night or even later at night who would want that?

Ok… so there you have it.  Basically I just bought a sex drink out of a college bookstore, but it has Neuro in the title so it’s not trashy.  Oh no, if anything it’s a “smart choice”.  Of course I’ll be reviewing this on taste alone unless you want to start paying $9.99 a month for this site.  I’m a bit worried that I’ll have a similar experience to Mike when he reviewed Extenze Soda.  Let’s cautiously begin this review.

After removing the oddly shaped plastic lid I’m greeted with a mixture of odd fruit flavors.  It almost smells like a blueberry pomegranate V8 fusion… which I enjoy, but something is off about the smell of Neurogasm.  The sentence “something is off about the smell of Neurogasm” is going to make me laugh every time I read it.  Moving on.  I’m worried that I’m about to dive into a mixture of energy drink (due to the ridiculous amounts of B vitamins) and vegetable juice (due to the fact that they use vegetable juice).  A vegetable/fruit juice energy drink sounds like a good idea, but let’s take a sip and find out if Neurogasm (must I keep typing that) is worth its weight in anything.

No, no it’s not.  Neurogasm has a lot less flavor than I expected.  Want to make some Neurogasm at home without all the blood circulation side effects?  Grab a can of V8 fusion and mix it with some almost flat seltzer water.  Ta da!  You now have a Neurogasm without all that gasm getting in your way.  This is a lightly carbonated soda with hints of flavor dancing around a very neutral base.  Yes you can taste the fruit juice.  Yes you can taste the vegetable juice.  Yes it’s a drinkable concoction, but as far as flavored-non-alcoholic-carbonated-beverages go… meh.  I’m sorry for what I’m about to say, please forgive me for any unintentional puns.  When I saw the words Neurogasm on the side of a bottle I expected an explosion of flavor.  You don’t make a drink with a provocative name and then give it a weak flavor, shame on you Neuro for teasing us with promises of “passion in every bottle”.  PASSION IN EVERY BOTTLE!  What about that sentence would you associate with a poorly flavored soda that doesn’t start off or finish strong?  So much of what is written on this bottle makes you think of the pleasure you’re going to enjoy while drinking it, and the pleasure of whatever may happen afterwards.  To use a baseball analogy, if I’m about to get to first base and I get shot in the leg along the way, do I really care that I made it to first base?  Sure a triple would make me forget a little more about what just happened, and maybe a home run would make me not care at all, but I don’t see anyone who uses a drink called Neurogasm getting past first in even their best attempts.

~A

Twist has more passion in his soulless eyes.