Lester's Fixins - Sweet Corn Soda
/I’m not even quite sure how to introduce today’s soda up for review so I think I’m just going to blurt it out. It’s sweet corn soda. Well to be more accurate it’s Lester’s Fixins Sweet Corn Soda. Before you think about this too long I believe this is indeed corn soda. Two very large, prominent, ears of corn on the bottle tell me that if I think otherwise I’m just a fool. The bottle label is an appropriate yellow with a small picture of who I can only assume is Lester at the top left. Underneath the unmistakable pictures of corn reads the phrase “Y’all get yer fixins!” For those of you not raised in the southern United States fixins are usually a component of a main meal. Say you’re having ham for dinner; you might have corn, potatoes, and a roll as your “fixins”. I’m not saying that I use this term on a daily basis, but I’m also not saying that I don’t have family that does. By far the most amusing part of this bottle of Sweet Corn Soda is the fact that it’s made with pure cane sugar. Corn soda not made with HFCS… HI-LARIOUS! A closer look at the ingredients only proves to be incredibly vague. There’s no telling why I’m not more nervous about drinking a bottle of Sweet Corn Soda, let’s find out if I should be.
Ok, I’m terrified now. The scent of Lester’s Fixins Sweet Corn Soda smells exactly, EXACTLY, like sweet corn. I’m also getting a hint of buttery popcorn with each visit my nose takes to the top of this bottle, hoping I’ll eventually smell something more forgiving. Whelp, like I said I’m now scared silly to even try this in fear of instant vomiting. Wish me luck Carbo-Nation. If I do indeed die the website will go to the last man standing… or the first one willing to pay $22 a month. Here goes…
No, I don’t want to do this anymore. That was super weird and nauseating all in one sip. I’m going to try and tell you as much as I can get out of that one sip before I even think about trying Sweet Corn Soda ever again. The initial experience, and I mean it lasted milliseconds, wasn’t that bad… in fact it was just another sugary treat. Quickly replacing the generic fizzy sugary drink was the overpowering taste of sweet corn…cold… carbonated… sweet corn. That very distinctive sweet corn taste doesn’t let go of your tongue either, it holds on for dear life making you remember the folly you made for a few minutes more. Happily I can’t taste the sweet corn anymore. Sadly I must now get a refresher for your amusement and knowledge. I think all of the sweet corn power is in the aftertaste. I have a theory that if I just swish this around in my mouth it won’t be a terrible experience. Wait just one second as I test this, please. My theory is somewhat accurate. Even though the smell of sweet corn hits your nose every time you bring the bottle up, if you just keep the soda in your mouth you aren’t hit with the sickly taste of sweet corn soda. Of course this doesn’t allow you to ever allow the soda to vacate the premises of your mouth, making living rather unpleasant. Each sip just builds on itself until your mouth is awash with sweet corn. I think if I tried I could finish this bottle of soda, but I reaaaallly don’t want to. I will say that Old Lester certainly told no falsehoods when telling me what flavor this soda would be. They said it was sweet corn, and it was most certainly sweet corn. If I ever run into Lester’s products in the future I’ll know good and well to believe in whatever flavor his bottle displays.
~A
Iguana is not a "fixin".
